In many relationships, I feel like there is the planner, the initiator; the reacher-outer. I have noticed for a very long time that I am generally that person. I tend to make the plans, send the texts, share the memes. It is to be said that I am the chaser.
This isn’t always the case, but in general, that is my role in most of my friendships, and I have resigned to the fact that it needs to be one of us. I do have a few friends who send me reels and memes on probably the daily, and that they are probably the reacher-outer in their circles too. And sometimes, we are all so busy or over stimulated that sending a reel (or 7) is all they have in them, and it’s a nice little “thinking of you” moment.
Social media has made it a lot easier to make these low effort gestures, but none the less, I know that when I see a thing that so and so would find funny, or a video that some friend I haven’t spoken to in a while would find interesting, it is still a little warm fuzzy of a hello; “I know you, I see you…but I don’t really have the capacity or desire to meet up right now”.
Many years ago I came across a fairly jaded post that said “Don’t cross oceans for people who wouldn’t cross a puddle for you” but I disagree. I find this sentiment sad and full of assumptions. Now obviously, we don’t want to be pathetic and desperate, and perhaps one needs to take a hint if they are doing ALL of the heavy lifting, but someone needs to initiate. There are many times I think of my friends and do not reach out. There are many messages I don’t send and reels I don’t share, but imagine if we all just sat back and waited for others to take action?
Some of us are just planners and action takers. I am that guy in most scenarios. I will text first. I will nail down the plans. I will make sure my friends don’t get away for too long. But, I wouldn’t keep chasing a friend who doesn’t seem interested at all. I won’t beg someone to be in my life once they show me that they don’t care at all. That is generally not the case. Most occasions, I force myself on my friends if it’s been a few weeks, and they are happy to make the date. There are a few people I genuinely do like and want to see, but we can never seem to make it work. and that’s ok too. (We can have tier 3 friends we like, but there are only so many days in the week!)
We all have limits on time, energy and social battery. I typically can’t handle 3 social engagements in one week, and have accidentally made that mistake more than once. I also have work and hobbies and much-loved alone time. I don’t have two days off in a row and work off hours. I have a partner and kids and parents and many friends I would like to see. I don’t have the bandwidth for it all on a regular basis. This is hugely why I don’t subscribe to “if they wanted to, they would” thinking. I want to! I have thought of a few friends today and not reached out, because I just am not there today…but I will and I will plan a date and we can chat for 2-7 hours and repeat it all over again in 4-6 weeks.
Whenever I have had the small inkling to “test” someone and see how long it would be for them to reach out, I just don’t. I am not that person. And like classic movies like An affair to remember or other “missed connections” type scenarios, I never want to be party to a situation where I am not reaching out and therefore they are not reaching out and round and round we go, wishing the other person just made the call. Not in a romantic capacity (although, I never tested people in dating scenarios either; if I like you, you’ll know it). Trix are for kids!
I also might note that my effort is generally welcomed and appreciated. Time goes fast, 6 weeks flies by and it is very easy to not see someone for months. That also then segues into the necessity for mature and adult friends who don’t guilt trip, act needy or demand too much time. I know my girlfriends (and one male friend) are fine to pick up where we left off, and that could mean coffee and a walk every two months, or a text exchange over an evening every once and a while. But, I will listen to your drama if you call me at nearly any given moment and vice versa.
I also know that a good gab could take many hours, so I also need to prepare for that (the other evening, my girlfriend and I spent 7 hours chatting because it had been 10 weeks). I could lie and say that’s extreme, but it’s not, and a coffee date that’s less than 2 hours is a rarity (maybe that’s why I also can’t have several plans in one week!)
Do I resent being the reacher-outer? Not really. Do I feel unwanted or like “no one would miss me if I was gone”? Not usually. Does my daughter have 12 unopened reels I’ve sent her on Instagram in the past several weeks that makes me feel like a desperate stalker trying to get her attention? Yes. But will I calm down with that? Hardly.
Cross the ocean for people! Make the effort and plans. Reach out and send some stupid meme. Someone has to be the face pressed up against the window. Someone has to say, hey, I’m still here and I’m busy and I love you anyway. It is a fortunate thing to have friends and relationships don’t build themselves. So I suppose I should message the 3 friends I keep not messaging and attempt to make plans, or at least send a joke or something. As long as I don’t make the mistake of arranging too many play dates for my brain to handle. Lonely is as lonely does; make the connection first.
Periscopecake 