Periscopecake

I’ve been thinking lately about the passing of time and the sudden urgency I have to squeeze all of the juice from this lemon. Perhaps it’s middle age, or hitting a timeline where I have had many friends whose parent(s) have passed away. I see my young adult kids making their way and feeling some sense of urgency (when there is none). I am a couple of years into a new business and feel like I’ve stepped back financially in life and have a stuck part of me that has been unable to proceed as planned due to circumstances beyond my control. (*owning a house with my ex-husband. No longer having a stable income that looks good on paper. Having a kid still at home and needing that support).

However, it is not to say that I am stuck or unhappy. The physical stuff and things; the financial security and goals of monetary value and status are not panning out fantastically, but that’s not really a big ambition of mine. (I would appreciate knowing I could retire some day, but that is not even a current flicker of reality). I have a rich life in all the ways that I tend to see as mattering. I have optimism and determination and know I can be okay. I have a generous and supportive partner who makes life easier in multiple ways; immeasurable ways.

I was thinking about happiness and success and realized that all of the happiness I have ever felt has not been in physical forms of consumption. The joys and bliss have all been in moments, and laughter, and love. I sometimes feel burdened by the weight of having so many feelings and being an introspective and analytical person. But in recent times I’ve grown to love that about myself, and I appreciate that having a lot of feelings is my gift.

In thinking about my life as though I were considering my success, I am understanding more that that parts that stick out are the moments. The small things. Now, my memory is not amazing. I have song lyrics, old flames birthdays, little flashes and samples of times or stories I’ve told again and again. But most other stuff is a muddy blur and often someone can recount a story of something I was there for and it’s total news to me. I have watched a full series or read books, and couldn’t tell you what happened. But I can describe small moments.

*One thing I wonder about the trauma of divorce, is how many of the memories were replaced by that time frame. I can’t even think about the perception my kids must have, and I wonder often how much of the childhood they had was overshadowed by the break-up of their parents, and the 6 months when they saw fights and stress and an explosion of their reality. I can’t change that, but it doesn’t eliminate the grief and guilt that I assume I’ll carry forever.

Happiness, I have realized, has always been moments outside of myself encapsulated with gratitude and love. One of my best memories of pure joy was being a young mom laying on the floor with my baby son. He grabbed my hair with that thunder grip that only babies posses, and his little face was so close to mine, and it was so cute and hilarious in that moment, that I was laughing so hard and so uncontrollably that I couldn’t unlatch his hand from my hair. Which then made me laugh harder and him hold firmer. I was crying with laughter and had to breathlessly call his dad to help release me.

I remember moments of absolute happiness hearing my kids laugh together in the other room, or playing solo and talking with toys in make believe games. My favourite moments were being in the kitchen and hearing the kids and their dad just cracking up and losing their minds over Americas Funniest Home Videos. I remember little things the kids said (far too few!) that were absolute gems of hilarity.

When I think of happiness, I think of first kisses and falling in love. I think of the absolute elation in seeing my babies do practically anything. I think of laughing with friends and how much I love when my boyfriend tells a joke and laughs at it himself, in his most genuine smile where his eyes wrinkle and his teeth show.

I think of my daughter (who is one of the quickest wits I’ve ever met) when she absolutely burns me. I have lost it at her perfect impression of my personality while she delivers an absolutely scathing joke at my expense. Feeling so seen (yet loved) that someone can make fun of you with perfect precision, is a gift like no other. I think maybe my favourite genre of love is the perfect burn that shows that someone absolutely knows you (yet isn’t trying to hurt you). My sister, my one childhood friend, and my daughter are masters of this. Those jerks are biting…and hilarious (and if they get together, they gang up. It’s amazing).

Flowing down a single track on my mountain bike. Hitting my stride during a run and feeling like I’m floating. Reaching the peak or ridge on a hike and seeing sights of breathtaking splendour. Hitting a fast and flat section on the road and sailing on my road bike. Feeling strong in the gym while feeling the music and energy. Having a perfect oat-milk flat-white, or a gorgeous wine. Eating something I’ve made that is super delicious and pride inducing. Feeling pride in my work or that I’ve helped someone. Feeling proud of my kids and watching them become adults. So many things that are just unadulterated joy and hold no physical form or possession; as real as they are fleeting.

I think that the desire I have to squeeze all I can out of life right now is realizing that it’s never been about things and acquiring, (as much as a significant amount of money would really help me right now) it’s always been about moments. I have this urgency to have all the moments! I am excited to laugh and see and do. I have this desperate feeling like I want to hold too tight and do too much, just to experience more of those minutes where I witness love and see/feel the perfect calm and time-stopping nirvana of pure delight.

I have been so lucky in this life. (*Even if I don’t necessarily believe in luck as a function, or the divine, and more like a reality you create with your own perception and optimism, but that’s a whole other topic). I have to remember that when I am having a lot of feelings, or experiencing the opposite moments: loneliness, guilt, anger, or jealousy. I may not have monetary “success” or the spoils of riches that society seems to associate with triumph, but I think that if I were to be at the end today (hopefully I’m only in the middle!) I have realized that my health and love, and all of the countless moments of bliss that are too plentiful to even remember, have been unimaginable success.