The past few weeks have been a fury of planning and thinking and overwhelming thoughts about the coming year. Why? I literally can’t book flights as far out as I have planned my next year’s worth of days off, courses I’m taking and little romantic getaways! But, as we’ve discovered about me, I am nothing if not organized and efficient. All this planning has somehow come with a hard realization that I like a “goal”, a “thing”, a “something to look forward to”. But it has also somehow come with a (further) obsession with money/time and, in its darkest moments, a heavy sense of my own mortality that is ever pushing me closer to the end of my days…ok, that took a dark turn, but seriously; is it peri-menopause or my just under the surface level of crushing defeat?
Do dark humor memes, exercise and joking about how much I hate people keep me from spiraling in to despair? Maybe. I get that I am lucky and have no business complaining about things. I mean, I will complain about things because these prices are ridiculous and what the hell is that other driver even doing!!? But I know it’s basically nothing in the scheme of life. I want to like people and generally do, but some of those suckers really make it difficult.
The most crushing weight on me lately, and I’m sure for many, is cost of living and therefore horrible envy. Envy for the “haves” and wanting to have/do/be more. I want to be able to travel and buy and go out more. This admittedly sounds shallow and empty when there are greater troubles to be had.
Because I spend a great deal of time alone or in silence, I get the amazing opportunity to over think and spiral into intrusive thoughts. It’s the best. Luckily I’ve spent many years working on myself and figuring my shit out, and have some ability to discern these thoughts from reality vs. fiction. (Although, one could argue that it’s all fiction… but that’s how easy I spiral…)
Recently I had a, perhaps stupid, moment that probably lead to a deeper place in my relationship. Something he said made me think that he was planning on proposing to me. So, in my head, I decided that the time he was going to do this was on our annual love-cationTM for our five year anniversary.
*Preface: I have been wondering about if/why I would even want to get married again for quite some time. (see https://periscopecake.ca/2022/05/18/210/) but have come to realize that the wedding I’ve planned in my head and the way I look at rings and think about vows, is a good indication that this has been on my mind.*
So anyways; he says some totally benign thing a couple months ago that sets off my (apparently poor) intuition about this plan he has. He does not have a plan; I have a mental belief that he has a plan and now I decide that I cannot discuss it so as to not ruin said plan. I am not good at not discussing. If there is one thing I’m good at, its discussing…one doesn’t really have to wonder where I stand or what’s on my mind…I will definitely say. I don’t really “hint” or play games.
So, I’m driving myself crazy with this fantasy I’ve created about this romantic proposal he is definitely going to make and thinking about the wedding we’ll have next fall. (Oh, its full on 14 year old girl time in my head). But, because I’m not full crazy, I only tell like 6 people that I think this is what’s happening, because, why not try and look like an idiot who is certainly not attached to this scenario? I even told my mom, because, of course I did. Yet I was telling myself that I actually didn’t care and that I might be wrong.
Then one of my best friends calls and starts on a story about being whisked away on a surprise trip and I knew right away that this was ending in a proposal story; which it was. I was so happy for her but then suddenly crushed by my own jealousy! I was that horrible friend. I discussed this with her and apologized for my happiness shrouded in jealousy. I also discussed that I felt bad if I was right and what if I too got engaged in the next month and we both got married next year and she was (of course, because my friends are amazing) totally cool and not at all threatened or upset at the concept and in fact thought it’d be cool.
*Preface: this friend has been in my life forever and we both found love and solace in each other when we became roommates after I left my marriage and she left a long term relationship. We are both 45 and have grown(ish) kids and have both found love again in the past few years. She was huge in my re-birth and grief for my marriage and in the infancy of my current relationship. She was gracious enough to let him move in with us; and we all lived together for a good year or so before she took a deep dive into her relationship and moved out from us; and in with him. She is a diamond in a sea of trinkets*
So her engagement made me feel like a horrible friend, or more so, my feelings of jealousy made me feel like a horrible friend! Then I do what I always do and totally over react in my brain and start making up scenarios that are based on zero evidence and find myself deciding that he doesn’t even love me or that I need to dump him today! Like, seriously, try living a day in this brain. I mean, I like me better than I like most people but girl needs to chill out sometimes.
Then I realized that I can’t wait three more weeks until the trip to discover that I am wrong and blind side him with the power and weight of my disappointment for what he has no clue of. I sit down and spill the crazy into his ever-patient ears. He listens to the whole breakdown and states that he was in fact NOT planning any such event. That he thought I didn’t want to get married. That he had no clue of any such thoughts and is not interested in spending 45 thousand dollars on an event. I then double down and also explain the wedding I’ve planned out and the meager guest list of around 40 people and share this whole scenario I’ve created. He was on board with this concept and relieved that I am not a multi-day, 200 guest kinda lady. And the conversation was productive and felt like a relief. I have continued to look at rings I like, but it’s not been a big topic since.
I think we somehow have both settled into the conclusion that we plan the future together, and plan to buy a house together and have all sorts of commitment stated, so maybe a wedding is a moot point right now. I could obviously propose to him. I don’t know that I will. I could obviously express that I want this to happen. I don’t think I need to right now. But mostly, I am reminded that I need to discuss things and that expectation is truly the root of all sadness.
And on other swirling crazy thoughts lately; I’ve had a bunch of them. I mostly have been analyzing myself and how I have shifted into thinking I’m pretty ok yet quite possibly unlikeable to most people. This is also not rooted in any reality because I have long term great friends and people do seem to like me or whatever. It is another example of “is it hormones or is it real life?” that seems to be a new and exciting roulette that I get to play now a days. It is wonderful. Also see; “my looks are fading and I’m not fun” which is a hilarious new soundtrack that plays at random intervals. Quickly followed by “what is this new pain?” and “Sleep; why hast thou forsaken me?”
I have come to realize that we do get older and wiser but in many ways we are always the same. I am better and more loving and self aware than 20 year old me but I am still sometimes insecure and ridiculous 18 year old me. I am just better at tuning out or at least filtering the noise now. I am better at liking me and analyzing feelings before I speak them. But I am also bound to revert to old patterns as I try and forge new ones. As I succumb to thoughts that young and no self esteem me would have had, I am better at shutting that down and being my own best friend/parent. I do know who I am (see https://periscopecake.ca/2019/02/27/so-what-do-you-do-for-fun/)
I have a tendency to wax poetic. I know. My poor daughter is caught in a car with me often and there is a lot of “uh huh” from her that I’m pretty sure is tuning me out yet trying to appear as attentive. But anyway that is my meandering for today. The story of my not being proposed to that somehow started as why I am sort of depressed lately…this is how my coffee dates can somehow last 5 hours.
Periscopecake 