I weigh myself every day. Well, not every day, but most days. This may seem obsessive, and perhaps it is, but having done this has greatly improved my relationship with my weight and expectations for myself. It’s become simple data.
Years ago I was obsessed with some magic scale number that was my “ideal weight”. I don’t necessarily know how I settled on this specific weight but I chased 150# for years! Years! When I was younger I had a poor relationship with weight and food and body image. I went on slim fast when I was in grade 8 and I was veering towards orthorexic behaviors in my 20s and was quite afraid of social settings where I couldn’t control the food (or myself around the food). And I’ve never technically been “over weight”!
I used to not drink much alcohol because I didn’t want to take in empty calories and knew that drinking often lead to eating more too. Over the past number of years (probably a decade or more) I’ve changed my relationship with food dramatically. I eat fairly nutritiously and am aware of my consumption, but no foods are off limits or labeled as “good” or “bad”. I’ve been lifting weights since I was 16 years old and a runner and gym goer for over 20 years. I hate sports but can say I’m an athlete that has a very active and healthy lifestyle. I drink about a bottle of wine a week and sometimes a bit more. I basically maintain my weight and most of my clothes are very old, because I don’t really change size much. Although, it’s all fun and games until your underwear don’t fit, and I keep on top of that.
When I was younger I used to read YM and other “teen” magazines and I remember feeling aware of Photoshop but also aware that I’d had cellulite since I hit puberty and I didn’t have a thigh gap. I am 5’8”, and while all the models were an inch or three taller than me, they all weighted like 20 pounds less. I never really realized that most (or many) actresses are significantly shorter than me, and that is how they look so tiny….they are tiny. Anyhow, I remember some article in some magazine when I was an impressionable teen stating that women “should” weigh 100 pounds for 5 feet and 5 pounds for each additional inch. That made my “ideal” 140. In high school, I was 145. I felt fat.
When I was out on my own, I put on the good old “freshman 15” and didn’t love that, so I lost the weight. Basically I joined real gym and cut out cheese and peanut butter for a few weeks. Haha! The spoils of youth indeed!
Ok, so I have an active lifestyle, I eat and cook well. I bake and drink and have a pretty decent relationship with food these days and have spent a couple decades learning about exercise and nutrition and have books and all sorts of resources that have made me much more smart and aware of my choices and self talk. I also have better self esteem now, and I am much more kind to my body and with my internal dialogue. I don’t love my stretch marks or loose stomach skin from two pregnancies and one C-section but I am very nearly neutral about it these days.
I keep a journal where I check my measurements every 2 weeks. This also sounds obsessive (I know) but the real indicator of body composition change isn’t weight, its measurements. If your clothes fit tight, that’s more real than the 5 pounds of daily fluctuation. And believe me, sometimes that really is a 5 pound fluctuation! I have weighed 8 pounds more during my period or after a weekend of salty foods; it’s not “real” and it’s gone by Tuesday. The real indicator of change is measurements; the trend over time.
So I keep this book and have done for around 10 years. It used to be more sporadic; but fairly consistently for 5-7 years. (There was a while there when I had no scale, so I didn’t know that part for a bit) I begrudge it when the check in falls during my cycle or after I know I am up and the numbers are “wrong”. This speaks to a level of disorder that still exists within me, obviously. But also, I kind of like stats and consistency and, truth be told, I have a standard for myself that I want to reside in. My body moves better at a certain weight, I feel better and I feel like I look more attractive. Yes, that will be pegged as fat phobic or lacking in body positivity in some way, but frankly, it literally is MY body and I don’t feel my best or fit my clothes or perform my activities as well, or feel as attractive when I am not within the weight range I prefer…for MY body.
Something lately has brought a bit of shift for me, though. A weird cognitive dissonance where I see myself in the mirror in the morning and think I look good and “normal”, yet I weigh more than I did a few months ago. I see my boyfriend thinking I’m all sexy and loving on me…and I weigh more. My clothes are a tad tighter, and I feel a tad plump in photos, but I am less concerned than ever. I feel a bit bored with it all frankly. I am in my “off season” and have a surgery coming up where I won’t be exercising as much (or at all!) for weeks and weeks. I have a very long bike race and a marathon on the horizon next year, and I want to hike and mountain bike as much as I did this summer. I know I am a less fit today than I will be 6 months from now, and I am okay with that. You can’t always be in peak condition.
Today was measurement day and I am up all around. My weight is pushing into a zone I don’t love, and my waist and hips are both up about 5cm from where my clothes fit best. I would “ideally” lose 10 pounds to be in my comfort zone (being tall has its advantages for carrying weight, as does being muscular; and 10 pounds is not dramatic on my body type). I don’t know that I felt a certain way about today’s discoveries; I knew I was up some. I also, despite saying I have a better relationship with food; do still harbor some issues about not wanting to really put on weight. Like, clothes-size-moving-up, kind of weight. I’m not ok with that; I’m into a “check yourself before your wreck yourself” kind of mentality, for the most part. But, having said that, I’m not super into dieting right now. I don’t really want to try and lose weight and be in a deficient right now. I want to live normally for me and have the wine and enjoy Christmas treats and know that it’ll level out soon enough.
I read a quote attributed to Brooke Shields recently that struck me to my core. The quote was “I am tired of not feeling skinny enough. It’s boring and it’s a waste of my time”. It’s true! I am 45 and a half years old. I look great. I have love and happiness and I am fit and strong and can do so many amazing things with this body and still, despite holding a standard for myself as important for health and mobility; I am going to spend my valuable time chasing a certain weight or measurement that holds me at a place I was 6 years ago? I am going to not have a friggin piece of the Starbucks gingerbread loaf for fear of my underwear being a tad snug? (Which, I have had that loaf twice this week and its beyond delicious!) Am I going to hope that I weigh less or hold my measurements steady for the next 20 years? That’s so boring! I hope (plan!) to be lifting weights and biking and running and hiking for the next 20 years+ but does that require a certain size of body? So ridiculous; and truly a waste of time.
So I don’t know why I wanted to share this today. There are many more nuances that I haven’t mentioned, and I truly don’t sit around in general and obsess about my weight. I’m literally eating a piece of bread with peanut butter right now. I just think that maybe I’m kind of getting over caring so much; monitoring so much. Thinking that maybe I need to take that body in the mirror that I have felt looks fine, at face value, and not be shocked when the numbers associated with it don’t fit in to some self imposed parameters right now, and that’s perfectly fine.
Seriously, get that Starbucks gingerbread loaf while it’s available.
Periscopecake 