Periscopecake

I am a creature of habit. My good friend would say that I just like order. This makes me super fun at parties. Haha, as if I ever want to go to a party!

When it comes to exercise and fitness, I am nearly as ridged as they come. I think that I love doing stuff more than anything. And by “stuff” I mean mostly-solo; same thing I do every week; there’s no time for new ideas; I don’t know who I am as a person if I’m not in my routine; kind of stuff. I lift weights, run, bike and hike (in no particular order). I would like to fit yoga or walks but there are only so many hours in a day and this phone isn’t gonna scroll itself!

I also work, sew, have chores and people I’d like to not completely neglect. I honestly can’t understand not having time to exercise because its my greatest joy; but I also can totally see being sucked into 5 hours of TV because the next episode just comes at you and, ok….just one more!

I can imagine that someone with a squishy belly and a fair to middling running performance record doesn’t scream obsessive fitness junkie. And it shouldn’t! I am not obsessed, I enjoy it. I’d be lying if I said that part of exercising wasn’t to maintain my weight, but its not the reason. Its mental health, longevity, bone density and muscle mass. It’s better appetite and sleep and mood. Its libido and self care. Its celebrating gratitude for this one life, one body, and the ability to do so. I actually can’t imagine a sedentary life or all of the issues that come with that. It is passion and happiness.

This December I am going in for a surgery that will have me off work and exercise for 4-6 weeks! I should be concerned about the work part, because bills; but I am actually most stressed about the exercise part. I have gone 4-6 weeks not exercising before, twice actually; after having babies. Even then was hard and I might have got back at it a bit too soon with both (especially the second, who was a C-section delivery).

I can go for walks; in fact, that’s recommended. I bought an indoor bike trainer so I can start to ride my bike after 4 weeks. This may be my first winter in well over a decade, not running! I dread how sore I’ll be when I start weight lifting again.

The past couple weeks I had some sort of lull where I don’t know that I was depressed but I had zero interest in anything I generally love, lost some appetite, wanted more wine, slept poorly (more poorly than normal), and begrudged having a job…so, like, not depression…Then I suddenly felt normal and went for a run and all was well. (And I’m now also super sore from weightlifting after having a couple week lapse).

I felt like crap! I was stiff and tired and I felt like this was a scary picture of my brain/body on no-exercise. Ok, not total no-exercise, but pretty low volume for me, and I was like a rickety old tin-man.

I am trying to plan sewing projects and things to do and consider this “rest” and recovery as a break to heal little over-use injuries. I am trying not to think about potential weight gain, tightness, boredom, and overall mood issues. I can relax and read and take nice walks (in the dead of winter, so…yay?) But its on my mind. I wonder if its more about the break in routine than it is about the downtime? Change is not something I enjoy (unless its rearranging my furniture or “safe” change like that).

Sometimes I think that my natural state is actually really lazy but my personality is neurotic and routine so I have no choice but to comply with the system I’ve created. But then, if I have a couple days rest, I don’t love it. I love moving and place a very great deal of my self worth on how much I can accomplish before lunch. I don’t know who I am if I’m not getting shit done or spending time doing the activities I love.

The idea of a month or more of rest is like asking me to go undercover; and I’m not a great liar/role player. I can stay home, I can not work, I can eat and watch shows and waste plenty of time doing pointless tasks, but I am not good at no exercise. Its my favorite!

I have 8 weeks to move and be active and cherish this time. I will try and shift my thoughts to how awesome post-post surgery will be. I can create and maybe I can find new peace and slowness in that month off. I will try and appreciate that this is an opportunity and a privilege and that I’m kind of an asshole to be sort of sad about it.