Periscopecake

This week I celebrated my 45th birthday. I have a very keen sense that I am only 33, but the numbers say otherwise. I do believe that we have an age that we feel and for years that was 25 for me (as if time froze once I had kids…or speed up to the point that it was hard to notice its passing). I think the past few years brought me up to around 33…36 some some days, but certainly not 45!

There are many things that have evolved and changed and many that have stayed the same. I notice more lately that I kind of don’t care about much except health and relationships. Perhaps its the aging of my kids or of myself; or sadly, maybe its the number of deaths and stories of aging parents around me lately, but I have started to really see how much our relationships and health are truly all we have and the only things that money can’t really buy (although, I would argue that these kids cost a lot..so technically, those relationships require a few dollars).

Currently I am very excited about getting away to run my first race of the year (see race series posts) and feel very fit and healthy. I am doing a facial as I write this and have been having a good run (pun intended) as of late. I probably can’t complain about much and feel grateful that I have hobbies that contribute to my health and fitness and bring such joy to my life.

I have started to really feel a weird sense of calm about some things. Beyond my typical “things always work out” kind of state, I have tried to just stop putting so much weight on things that I can’t control. It’s hard. I like to have sense of control and rules and don’t love when things get shifted or feel unknown. But I am starting to not only value peace more, I am starting to just feel like the point is about being someone I want to be, and holding values I want to hold.

I last spoke of the remaining aspects of my divorce at the end of January. If you read this, you will recall that the separation papers had not yet been signed and I was still in a limbo waiting to just be able to move forward and access not only the equity due to me from my marital home, but the ability to actually move and buy again (with my credit freed from a mortgage it is currently tied to). The papers were finally signed on Valentines day. And I said to my lawyer at the time, so what happens if nothing happens….because I basically know/knew nothing would.

Sadly the date of reckoning came (March 15th) that held the legal deadline for the house to be bought out from me or listed for sale but there was an unfortunate death in the family that implored me to allow for more time. I didn’t know what this meant at the time but I knew that I couldn’t be the person who was flippant about such a stressful and sad time for my Ex, and we discussed that I was fine to continue to wait (a few more months, not years!) The ethical part of this was not confounding. The right thing to do was absolutely to allow more time.

I did fully think I’d be free and clear by the end of last summer…then by the end of the year…then by the middle of March…and now I don’t even know anymore. I am happy where I am and we save by renting but the bottom line is that I am tied financially to my Ex husband, despite being separated for over 5 years and being in an existing relationship where we really want to buy a home and proceed. I feel a pull to make that happen for both of us, and another pull to be kind and empathetic to someone I love who lost someone he loves, and who may be able to buy me out (always the ideal) rather than sell, if only we wait a while longer. But one could argue, that there will always be something and there will always be a reason for the continued delay (even if not quite so real and dramatic as this one).

As I look into myself for what I want, I see that half of the things I want and stress over are for these other people in my life. I want to buy a house again! But I also am perfectly content here still. I want to make sure my boyfriend feels like he is number one, and I realize that this scenario shows that my Ex seems to remain as number one, while I let more and more time pass where he doesn’t have to face uncomfortable realities and things stay as they have been. I want a house I can decorate and furnish and a room for my son to stay with me when he visits but I also don’t want to disrupt my daughter’s life and “normal” by potentially making her house sold. I have a hard time thinking about what I actually want for me and not for these close loved ones.

I got really stressed a couple weeks ago because a few people in the same day all asked “What’s going on with the house?” I have since told those people that I really can’t talk about it anymore because it spirals me into a place where I can’t sleep at night. I just want us all to be okay! The only scenario that fulfills that wish is that he buys me out and keeps the house. He gets to stay and my daughter doesn’t have to move. I get my equity and to be able to move forward, and my partner and I get to shop for our own house and start that new chapter. That is what I want. I do not wish to force him to sell! It meets the same end for me, but puts undue stress on other people I care for and that is not who I want to be. So I have said such. I will wait to see if the unfortunate passing allows me Ex to stay there, and the legal agreement to be fulfilled just a few months later.

Passive, patient or empathetic? I guess all three. I have to believe that it will be fine and sooner than later. I am choosing to be kind. I don’t want it to tarnish the relationship I am in, but renting does have its perks and we do have a cool place, all be it small. And we will save money in the meantime; always a silver lining.

I think that at 45 I see myself as someone I like more and more. I see myself as someone I want to be and want I to keep trying to be a good mother, friend and partner. I am loving my job lately and feel a weird sense of peace with it because I am seeing that I have a tendency to find my tribe and the clients who really like me, really like me, and that’s a calm sense of success. I’m trying to be a better and a more actively engaged daughter and a more confident person. I think some days that I am my favorite companion to myself! Young me didn’t have that, so 45 year old me has hit some new reset that has realized that I am someone I would really like!

I look forward to the year ahead. I am excited about times with friends and physical goals and fitness fun stuff. I look forward to little trips and planning bigger ones. I look forward to house hunting, even if it remains delayed (at least there is a legal document that has some grounds to act on if necessary). I look forward to sewing beautiful quilts, baking yummy things and spending any time I can with my kids and friends. I will try to continue to work on letting things I can’t control go and on being a person who I’d feel proud to know; and maybe try and stop complaining so much about minor ailments or inconveniences…but chances aren’t good for those ones. Otherwise, hooray for 45 with health and love; I don’t think much else matters.