Periscopecake

Well, I escaped it for all this time but I currently have Covid. It has been an ongoing concept that its not “if” but “when”, and apparently my time is the week before Christmas, while we are super busy at my work and I have two plans of holiday visits with family. Alas, as much as it bums me out to cancel clients and lose a week of income (making one of the busiest months of the year for my industry suddenly become one of my smallest paychecks of the year!) I realize that I am more concerned about the potential of missing time with family or contaminating my partner and causing him to miss time with family.

Last week I ran a fair bit and this week is brutally cold, which, despite being super antsy about not being able to exercise due to sickness, I am not truly missing any runs that would certainly not be happening in the current state of around a -40C wind-chill factor! I’ve rested and read and got through one book already, so that’s good. I’m so thankful for drugs! My poor pregnant friend who has Covid currently also, is stuck feeling all the symptoms without medicinal intervention. (on a related note; lemon NeoCitran is not too bad mixed into a nice tea). I am pretty lucky to not have a sore throat or bad cough. I currently just have aches and pains and heavy-headed congestion mostly. I couldn’t really work, but I’m not on my death bed, so I guess that’s cool.

These past couple months have been a whirlwind of stress and activity, good and bad. My divorce documents were stamped at the end of November and I am technically divorced as of Dec 29th. The bittersweet connection to that date is that my wedding Anniversary is January 1st. We will be officially divorced a couple days before what would have been our 19th wedding anniversary. It feels sad and weird. I have come to terms with the knowledge that I chose to end the marriage, but the grief still comes in waves, when its hard to contemplate what was, with what is, and the stories we can tell ourselves about what might have been. I feel very lucky to not have hostility and anger but also, it may be forever hard to reconcile the feeling of loving someone and knowing that you had nearly two decades and a family with them, but also knowing that they would have forever made you some level of miserable because they are who they are, and you are who you are. It only makes sense to those who know that feeling I suppose.

I am not totally without anger (as we’ve seen in a post or two ago). Currently there is a final stretch we have to endure that finally settles out our joint house and debt. The final signings of the agreement will be within the next week, then there are deadlines (tough love?) to make things actually become disentangled and “over” so that we each can move on as separate entities under the law.

The past month has been a tumultuous one as I’ve grappled with my own ethics and desire to simply move on after five years in limbo. My Father-in-law has suddenly taken a turn for the worse in terms of his mental and physical health. He is/was a very interesting and strongly opinionated British man, who now at 78, has entered an apparent state of dementia and need for care. This man was a big support to me a few times in my marriage to his son and told me one time that he believed that I saved his son. He felt me to be a dynamic and intelligent woman and that was really special coming from someone like him. He has lived his last number of years alone on a orchard in the Okanogan of British Columbia and I’ve had a few strong words with my ex about not going to visit (as we used to annually as a family, because I’m the planner). Over the past year, my ex has noticed some indications that his father’s metal state was changing but then it would seem fine. His sister and our niece went to visit in the late summer and he was reportedly okay. Then, in the past few weeks, he has gone from bad to worse; from hospitalized to not being cleared to return home. He will be moved back to Calgary and into the care of his kids, until other arrangements can be made.

This is obviously very stressful for my ex but adds the additional layer of his dad no longer being of sound mind to co-sign for the house with his son. This adds additional strain to the deadline of him having to buy me out or sell the house. And then I am faced with the feeling that I have immense compassion and empathy for my former husband but also just want this to be done. How do I be like “Sorry about your dad, where’s my equity?” It is certainly arguable that it’s been five years and much of the delay is his procrastination, and there will always be something; some barrier to action. I had many sleepless nights feeling badly about his stress but also about wondering how greedy am I to want to be out of this financial bond and weight during such a stressful time for him. At the end of the day, though, I’ve decided that it has been long enough. Five years after separating, and the final divorce being eminent, is not unfair to want to have it all cleared up and be able to move on completely. I did however, ask my lawyer to extend the deadlines by two weeks though. Its not a lot but its something; and its just too hectic to expect him to conclude things by years end (Original dates being Dec 31st buy out, or Jan 31st list date).

I guess there is no “right” way. Ideally I’d be in a position to just sign over the house and walk away; I am not. I need my lifetime of investing into a house in order to buy another. It has made me ever more aware of the persistent march of time. haha I honestly feel like, and I don’t know if its my age, but I just want to enjoy my kids and family and hobbies and friends all the more. The fast turn of my father-in-law and all of the loss starting to be experienced by people my age has become a call for me to just make the most of it! Wanting to buy a house next year and move forward with life is important to me but not urgent. I am trying to have boundaries and hold my position on what is “fair” but I can’t ethically be a cruel person when someone is facing such a hard time. I certainly do not look forward to the very real possibility that I may have to help pack up the house and displace this person who I raised a family with. It feels shitty.

This year I’ve read mostly Biographies. I don’t know why, I just decided to do that. It has been actually really awesome and I’ve got through 23 books so far this year! (big for me). I really enjoy other peoples stories and experiences and it truly brings new light and perspective to your own story. Two quotes that struck me were: “love and grief…in life, I’m realizing, you don’t get one without the other” (from Suleika Jaouad) and “Guilt is the fear of one’s own wretchedness” (by Tara Westover). Other peoples stories are so helpful in better understanding ourselves. This is probably the most basic reason I love my job. I don’t often think of it as unusual to have empathy and feel guilt and pain for others. I cry at commercials, for songs, or when I see people experience strong emotions (happy or sad). I get mad at injustice or how people can be just mean. I’ve come to understand this as a gift and do not ever want to feel like I am not being kind to those I care about; but one of the people I’ve really learned to care about over the past decade is me, and I need to balance that out too.

I do look forward to Christmas this year and can only assume I’ll be better by Friday. I also assume that my man will somehow not catch this like I didn’t when he had it back in March. I loved sending gifts and baking to my Son in Victoria (despite Canada Post being ridiculous! A shoebox of baking cost me $26 to ship!) I look really forward to spending the day with my sister and parents and gift giving. I look forward to my family tradition of the movies on Christmas eve (even though Covid stunted that for a couple years and there are currently no movies I truly want to see). I look forward to driving up to my partners parents and seeing them and eating and drinking and being terribly terribly lazy. All of the other parts don’t matter much. It’s like potty training your toddler; who cares how long it takes, they won’t be in diapers forever. So too is divorce. Soon we will both be in our big kid pants; having accidents rarely to never…and likely not needing someone to help us wipe.