I have realized a tendency that doesn’t always serve me; yet, I hate the idea of living in a world where I no longer think the way that I do. What I am talking about is the constant situation I find myself in being surprised by repeated behavior. Daily, I am like “Oh, people aren’t like that…” or feel beaten down by the idea that “Yes, people are like that”…(God, why do I ever read the comments!?)
Years ago a man I was just getting to know totally had my number when he said that I seem like a person who always assumes the best in people and am constantly disappointed when they prove me wrong. My son recently wrote me a card (that was the most precious gift imaginable!) and in one line he said “You are a kind, forgiving and optimistic person. You are always able to see the best in people; which may sometimes be your downfall…” And my Boyfriend, when I get all worked up about “how anyone could do such a thing!” Or when I don’t understand ill intentions, says “I know you don’t think people are shitty, but they are” haha. See trend; but I like that about me.
However, I’ve recently had to start towing the hard line of tough love and its keeping me up at night. A few years ago, when I grabbed a little self esteem and realized that I have to treat myself like I’d treat my child or best friend, I realized that this tendency to think the best is also linked to a tendency to cave in when I want to stand firm. Or not place boundaries where the ground is worn thin due to being over-tread.
I’ve had a lot of stress as of late because, although my actual divorce was finalized at the end of the year, my house and financial ties still stand, and the agreed-to separation documents have gone unsigned for over a month now and, sadly, I’m realizing that they may go weeks more. Not on my behalf. Once again, things are held up by the other half. He is stressed. It pains me to no end. I want to act with kindness but I just can’t anymore. And when is acting in kindness for someone else, being unkind to myself? I’ve had to find a hard place in my heart that can’t care about this anymore. I can empathize and hope the best for him and be helpful, but I have to finally say no. No more delays….5 years!
It’s very difficult but it’s getting easier. My close girlfriends are a huge support. They know me and know how hard I’ve tried to just make him safe. They know I defend, cave and repeat. At what point is procrastination, delay and overly stressing about the details actually a choice? If things aren’t done with malice but the result is still the same, is the intention a moot point?
As I see my son sit heavily with “daddy issues” that ring incredibly true, and mirror the same issues I had with emotional neglect, empty promises and clear and obvious inaction, despite “good intentions”; I face the concept that even if someone is good and kind and ethical and a wonderful person, their actions truly expose and define them. Someone who puts work before family but “means well”, still puts work before family; the result is the same, the feeling is the same and the words begin to become meaningless.
Recently a wise and awesome friend of mine pointed out, after my post a few months ago where I was very mad about my ex continuing to delay these proceedings by not having his taxes done and not making timely efforts to accomplish this, that when I refer to him as one of my best friends, I am wrong because a friend wouldn’t treat me this way and take such advantage continually. As usual, I defended with my “He’s a really good person. He seems to have very unmanaged ADHD. He means well but struggles to act”…always! I always go there because I honestly do believe in him and all of his good intentions. But when all someone ever seems to have is intentions and excuses; are they not just choosing to be cruel and discarding any responsibility because they “didn’t mean to”. The end result is the same and repeated behaviour is not just a habit, it seems like a choice.
When I think about why I left my marriage, the heaviest reason is that I wanted to choose how I wanted to be and how I wanted my life to be. I didn’t want to be a nag; but I was a nag because I was constantly let down and felt unheard. I didn’t want to be in a life where I was feeling like I had to care for another adult and not have a partner. I wanted to feel like someone saw me and heard me. And mostly, I was becoming angry and annoyed all the time.
Now I am not a nag. Now I have a partner who doesn’t need me to manage all the stuff and I take care of him because he takes care of me too! We go out on anniversaries and valentines and make each other birthday cakes. I feel like the Me that was Me before I was no longer Me!
A couple of my girlfriends that I have known for over a decade, pointed out last weekend that I have changed and grown this year when I said I no longer can care about how my ex will manage once the house is dealt with (even though I always and continue to hope he can retain it). They saw that I wasn’t just saying it, I’m living it. I said that I can’t care anymore; I need to care about me and am entitled to finally move on. And I mean it. I can be kind and still have a line in the sand that says no longer will I be putting my future on hold because I feel some sense of guilt, sadness and care for someone else.
I also mentioned that we [boyfriend] have a date for valentines (as we have done) but “I don’t know if I really care about those things”. My friend says “No! You do care about those things and are a romantic, but it was squished out of you after years of nothing”…She may be right, because the first year we [boyfriend] were together and he planned a date and made effort for Valentine’s day, my heart grew 4 sizes and I felt like I saw new colours in the world. And then I made effort again and I planned gifts and dates again, because I could be the Me that is Me!
So currently I am stressed and kinda sad but overall optimistic. (I suppose I also need to be because I have nearly zero control over the current situation). This too shall pass and hopefully not in another 6 months…(I sadly wouldn’t be surprised) yet I would be surprised because I have a tendency to constantly be shocked by repeated beahviour…and that’s probably one of the best and worst things about me.
Periscopecake 