Yesterday it suddenly occurred to me that when we finally get to buy a house and move into something bigger, that is ours, we will need a lawn mower! Then I began to realize that that also means a rake and a patio set and decorative clocks and a doormat…like starting out as a young person all over again…but we’re mid-40’s. Such a strange and exciting time.
When I was in high school I had a job and saved 75% of my income so that I could buy furniture and move out the second my diploma was handed to me. I bought everything! My kitchen was stocked. New couch, bed, table; everything. That was 1996 and since then one or two things have changed.
My son just started out on his own this year and my mom and I have been stocking him up. He has bake ware he will probably never use and a knife block and all sorts of goods. It’s fun and easy to go buy new spatulas for your kid, not so much for yourself because what you have is “fine”. But I have to say, I bought him a gorgeous set of cutlery (for 12) and then went “hell no!” and put that new set in my drawer and packed him up my hand me down, mismatched service for 8….I deserve new cutlery and these kids gotta pay their dues for stuff like that!
When my ex and I moved in together, I had all the stuff, and he moved his bedroom. When we got our first house, we were gifted a number of hand me downs and as years went by, we obviously bought some new stuff but overall, existed with many second hand goods and the original stuff from my initial flying of the coup. The same remained true in our second house (the one which we still own together at this moment). We didn’t have extra money. And really, buying a new bed or the odd item was totally fine. When we moved into the second house, our only adult splurge was getting a “real” dining room table and chairs! I wanted the big, long table that seats 8 and can accommodate 10, if needed. That was our first big furniture! A new dinette, in our mid 30’s, was our first big new furniture.
Fast forward to my leaving and when you realize that you have to get all new….everything! I took a bunch of my kitchen wares (he isn’t a baker) and left much of it (my kids live there!) I took some towels and some household items, but overall, I started again. I was given a shower curtain and a few things. I bought plates and glasses and a can opener and all the little things you forget that you need but there is only one of in your house…and you now each need one.
I got a bedroom set second hand and couches and a table and chairs. I got a new mattress once I could afford one. New bedding, side tables….all the things! But luckily I live in a small apartment and the stuff I have is more than enough. Meanwhile, at the house, the dinette has gone unused and the upright freezer unplugged; both just place holders that I hope to reclaim when I have the space to do so.
I am not especially attached to “stuff”. Perhaps this is part of my childhood of moving often; packing and repacking. My parents are also notorious for replacing things. Every time you visit, the table or couch may be different. I am attached to my kitchen wares, however. I probably have every thing one needs to bake basically every thing. Cooking and baking are my jam!
When I moved out I basically said all I really cared about was my gym (as far as the house contents were concerned). Once I moved the gym; everything in the apartment was everything I needed, I was fine. (Then upon realizing that then big beautiful table and the freezer were not being used, I said I want those too, eventually). But it is a hard and weird thing to separate your stuff. Because once you’re together for over 16 years, is there really a division in what is yours and what is mine? 5 years later, the house has changed a lot and he has acquired new couches and some new items also. Both of us creating new and different lives, apart, while his still has the same wall décor we had, and half of the kitchen stuff we shared as a family (like, do you use those wine glasses? Because I’ll take them. How about those blue mugs I picked out in 2006?) Overall though, it’s just stuff and it doesn’t matter.
But, as I think about the very real and exciting conclusion to this process, where I actually become disentangled, and actually get to buy a house again and move to a more permanent residence, it is starting to occur to me that I don’t own a lawn mower. I don’t have a patio set or a rake.
I have been very excited to say I am not moving these couches and they will be given away before we move; knowing we will need new living room furniture and (finally!) a king sized bed. Knowing that I can potentially trade my ex our smaller, 4 person table, for the bigger, 8 person one; that we would have a freezer to accommodate our stock piling (finally!) But it never really hit me that we would also need yard things and probably a lot more, when we go from a 2 bedroom apartment into a house. Exciting? Yes. Shockingly expensive? Also, yes.
When we consider the division of property and goods, I have always just been of the “I just want my half of the house equity, and half of the joint debt paid” camp. I don’t need or want more, or some inequitable trade. I’ll pay child support, if our kid lives with you. I’ll split winter coats and all the things. It’s been equitable and fair. Even the additional equity that has accumulated in the past 6 months, while we’ve been finalizing things; I don’t care. I just want to move on. But when you realize the additional cost of starting over, I can see how people get greedy!
But, on the other hand, the idea of house hunting with my partner and picking out our furniture together and getting a new patio set and all the fixings is super thrilling! Things we buy new and pick out specifically for our house and our new life together, is special and new and not something I have ever actually done since I was setting up back in 1996.
So as we are getting closer and closer to this separation being finalized, I am scared about the actual expense of setting up new, but also super excited to get the chance to do so. My ex made a comment that once he buys the house (fingers crossed) I’m lucky because I’ll get a big check. I was like, “so do you…but it’s in the house. If you sold the house, we’d both get a big check”…You’re just choosing to keep yours in asset form, not liquid form. But I don’t know that he realizes that he also has contents (you own a garden hose and a shovel!) and those items add up.
At the end of the day though, it is just stuff. It will be a huge bill and maybe months for us to buy and afford all that we need, once we re-home. But we are lucky to be able to do so. I am most especially thankful for a partner who is already window shopping his future lawn mower. And I also need to remember that stuff carries weight. While my ex may not have to replace a house worth of furniture, he also is stuck with all of our old crap and the memories they hold, and that’s heavy too.
Periscopecake 