Much can be said about the deep love and commitment we feel towards our children. One woman I used to work with (before I had kids) told me that it is unimaginable; that you will love your kids more than your spouse. I don’t know that 21 year old me believed her at the time. I had been in love. I knew that feeling. But she wasn’t wrong. There really is no other feeling like that kind of love. There are components and speckles of it in every love bond and relationship, but I will throw you in front of a bus to save my child, sorry not sorry. Not that love can be defined or quantified, but kid love is molasses compared to honey; deep, dark, thick and rich even if it’s not always especially sweet.
When I was initially considering separating from my marriage, dating and being back out there again, my mentor like boss stated that no one will ever love your kids as much as their own parent. That anyone who comes in might care for them and be there, but never truly love them with the whole-soul kind of love that their actual parent feels. I probably felt a little bit dismissive of this idea at the time, despite understanding it on some level. But I also struggled with the concept of taking on someone else’s kids; mine are mine and I love them, but other people’s children are an acquired taste. Not to mention that I’ve been there, done that. I had a pre-teen and a teen at the time and the idea of some 4 year old was honestly not even remotely desirable. The potential for conflict is huge! I can’t imagine finding a potential partner’s kid annoying or having to sit silent while I completely disagree with a parenting style or disciplinary measure. Those who blend families are on some level that I am not.
I won’t even get into the whole practice of when kids meet a new person in your life and all the concerns and opinions about that! That is a whole thing and, to me, largely depends on the age of the children. Nothing is guaranteed and meeting a new partner 6 months in versus 1 year in, is not especially different. I certainly have opinions on that but feel like, overall, your kids can only benefit from caring and influential adults in their life that can support and guide them. Intentions and overall care for the wellbeing of the kids should always be paramount. Although, that being said, I had a very influential and close client for years, who had 4 children, and she maintained that her relationship with her husband was always top priority because the kids are meant to grow up and go away, and you are left with your marriage. I do see this, and recognize more and more that we have to be happy and fulfilled in our own lives and hopefully that jives with your kids also being happy and fulfilled.
My kids didn’t especially like their Dad’s girlfriend but the reasons were fairly weak. I basically advised that they don’t get to pick his mate, and as long as she isn’t mean to them or rude or do things that make their lives hard; he gets to be happy with whomever he chooses. But it is a shitty situation because I don’t know that I could be with someone my kids found irritating and unpleasant, especially if living space became shared in any way. I am delighted and thankful that my boyfriend likes my kids and that they like him, maybe more than like.
I love that he and my daughter send memes and make jokes at my expense; that he makes sure to buy her juice she likes, and stuff like that for when she is here. I am glad he gets them Christmas presents and chocolate Easter bunnies, and that we have taken my daughter and more than one friend, on more than one camping weekend. I am glad that my son says that this man is someone that he looks up to and respects. I like that it’s been smooth and the kids are open and welcoming. But I have to say that part of that is their age (or maybe them as people, because some teens are not so pleasantly accepting) my boyfriend has never had to be their “dad”; he gets to be mom’s fun boyfriend. He doesn’t have to discipline or coach them, or do anything really, as far as parenting is concerned. He also lucked out in a weird way, to have met a woman with kids who does not live with her kids, so he hasn’t really had to have them around for the hard parts or the messy things.
So here I am with two nearly grown children, one of which is looking to flee the coup in the coming months and one who may remain in the slow cooker to roast for another few years. I have a partner who does not have children of his own and I have discovered many things that he simply will never understand.
Strangely enough, two of my best friends have also found men our age that have never married and have no kids! We all have found similar moments of realizing that there are things that they simply do not understand. My mother in law also has a partner who never had kids of his own, and has now experienced over two decades as a step parent to my ex and his sister, and as a grandparent to the five combined grandkids. We all have the very lucky flip side experience of not then having step children of our own (also see. ex/co-parent) to contend with for better or worse. It is very lucky for us indeed! I truly look forward to my boyfriend potentially being a second grandparent to my kid’s kids (should they choose to have them…in hopefully at least 10 years from now).
The main things I do recognize, however, are his delusions about parenting. We were all perfect parents before we had kids! His ideas of discipline or what “should” be done are often bearing on hilarity. I can’t remember what the scenario was but my 18 year old son, at the time, had done something and the suggestion was that “someone should lose his keys for a week!”…So like, my 18 year old should be grounded off the car that he bought, he pays for, and he drives to work, for a week? As in ground the adult son? Ya. Ok.
He is smart enough to not interject very much but sometimes when we are watching a show or there is a parenting topic that comes up and he says some point that basically amounts to tough love tactics or black and white blanket statements; I nearly laugh. The interesting one is always when characters in shows do things out of love for their children or are basically self sacrificing for kids who honestly probably should know better, and he doesn’t get it. Or even real life examples of friends trampling through total bullshit for their kids and him thinking “Well, they should be cut off“ (hard stop) or some variation of that sentiment, and me knowing it’s not that simple. But mostly I am also smart enough to not interject, except to say “because they are her kids”.
I am a fairly selfish person. I will put running first and I will hide chocolate I want for myself when my son comes over. But I will literally put them first 98% of the time. I do not cave to stupid inconveniences and will make them bus if it is more efficient and desirable than me driving “all the way there and back” (but I’m also trying to raise independent people who aren’t entitled little shits!) My kid can have money or time or a home or my last cookie (within reason…) forever. Forever. Not until they are 18. I will not tend to a sponge or be completely self sacrificing, but they need to know, without any doubt, that they will never be homeless or go hungry. I will do what I can. And this deep, guttural love that is truly the most bare-boned soul-foundation level of love I know is my reality and I know that it likely will never be felt by him. Perhaps compared only to the deep love he has for his parents.
Don’t get me wrong, I definitely see the faults in my children and totally curse out my daughter’s incessant inability to be on time (I would have fired her from her job by now!) or my son’s inability to be wrong (or let it go when he believes you are wrong!) Their dad and I commiserate over their ridiculousness. I don’t always like them. (Well, actually I pretty much do) I am not mad, I am just disappointed…on the regular. Your kids are people after all and sometimes people suck and anyone is hard to be around for any long duration of time. Teens are awesome or awful. Boring or bored. But don’t think I wouldn’t defend them to the ends of the earth. Is parental love obligation and guilt for having put them here in the first place? Maybe. Can the step parent just see them through clear lenses and recognize that they are just individuals who need to cut their own meat and blow on their own soup? Probably.
I just know for sure that I cherish these people more than I can say, and if I think too hard about it I tear up, every time. I imagine it’s built into my DNA or something. I also know for sure that as much as my partner will never know or feel that, I appreciate that he is in this position by choosing me, and he makes the absolute best of it. I don’t know that I’d be so gracious or easy. I might be the proverbial evil step-mother. Although I do think that I would probably be a good co-parent to the bio-mom because I see you lady! Those little shits are your thick, robust and slightly bitter molasses.
Periscopecake 