I’ve held onto a quote for years, that was supposedly from Dolly Parton and was basically “the key to a happy marriage is separate houses”. As far as I can find, she maybe never said that, or maybe she did, in jest, but the sentiment is all over comments about her long term marriage; that separation is the key to long term love and happiness. Perhaps it’s not for everyone, but I couldn’t agree more. I strongly believe that no one person can be your everything; that your spouse maybe is your best friend (hopefully) but not your identity and whole world.
I feel like we are raised with movies and love stories that make us believe that you are supposed to grow up and meet some perfect match and live out your days in starry eyed abandon of all your own personal hopes and dreams, and that this “soul mate” will complete you or some shit. Ok, first of all, I do not believe in soul mates. I believe that there are many many individuals who will meet you where you are and hold some kindred connection, and be the answer to many wants and needs…but someone else will/can also do that, in some other and equally amazing way. That there really are thousands of fish in the sea and hopefully you find one that checks multiple boxes, that you find attractive and get along with, and decide that they are “the one”, but there are many more that could have been “the one” in other ways, checking other boxes and being worth it in other ways. (Romantic, I know)
I don’t think I’m being unromantic here, just realistic. I didn’t realize my ex was my best friend because I had so many other best friends (platonically). Only once we were separated for a while did I realize that he is actually one of my best friends, and we share a history that cannot be erased or replaced, but he is not a great fit for me after all (romantically).
I wrote my boyfriend a card on our one year anniversary that listed 101 things I love about him and I still mean every single one, and could probably add a hundred more, but I wouldn’t say he completes me, or that I even want to see him every day! He is definitely my soft place to land and we share as many things in common as we absolutely do not have in common. I think he would be very hard to replace and I don’t wish to even try or consider that. I plan to keep him around (and presumably he plans to keep me around) but if that were to stop, I also know that there are other people with interesting personalities, who would match me also. Or not. But I also realize that if I were single again right now I’d be in no hurry to date or meet anyone any time soon.
When we first got together, I discovered that he had a job that had him out of town most of the time. Monday to Friday away; home on the weekend. That was actually a selling feature! I don’t know how his co-workers wives handle it with young children, because I wouldn’t have been ok with an absentee husband during those years of my life, but now, it’s perfect!
Most of our relationship has been apart weekdays. There’s been a month here and there where the job was in town, and I did get used to having him here and it is fine but I like alone time. The past 7 or 8 months he has worked locally and been home every night and it’s not bad…but it’s not my preference. I love you, but go away! I mean that in a nice way. This week he is back out of town and will be for a couple of months (and he hopes more) and seriously, when he left on the weekend I was thrilled. In a nice way.
I like coming home late from work on a Tuesday night to an empty place. I like not thinking about dinner for other people. I like going for my run on Sunday morning then sewing all day and not feeling like it was boring for someone else. He wouldn’t care if I did that, but I would. I like looking forward to Friday night and the weekend together. I like feeling like we have limited time and not like I’ll just see him tomorrow anyway.
Separation keeps my need to be alone and see my friends and have my kids over, fulfilled without also feeling like I should be spending quality time with my partner too. I like not taking someone for granted, and looking forward to the short times we have together. He does not complete me. I do not complete him. I want my own life, with him in it, but my own life none the less. I also want him to have hobbies and interests outside of me! I want him to golf or fish or do whatever he wants to be doing, I’m not his entertainment! And we can enjoy things together too.
I like that we take on shows and only watch them when we’re together. I look forward to watching our show too! I like having the week to discuss and breakdown and not being bogged down by the day to day monotony that is life. Fine, I will message him boring stuff like “just got home from my run” (mostly so he knows I’m alive still). I message such interesting tidbits as “soaking the showerhead in vinegar” or “It’s really windy here”….wow! Talk about romance. But that is my point…day to day is boring. There aren’t always things. People aren’t always exciting; and it leads to conversations about dry and lame topics that numb your senses. I love my girlfriends too, but I don’t have new stuff to share every day, I have a few hot topic hours in me every few weeks. (I honestly don’t know how my roommate and I used to talk so much! I am not exciting. But we were going through some heavy stuff, so that probably helped; drama is a conversation at least)
I can talk a lot, but I don’t know if I really have all that much to say that holds any real necessity. I am pretty dull, but not to me! I like the stuff I like to do. I like what I like to eat and spend time on. I am my own super fun friend who somehow shares all of my same interests and neurotic tendencies! Other people are not all that interesting to anyone but themselves, after a while, either. When someone is away, you get to miss them, and they, you. You get to send pictures and innuendo; and when someone is around every day, that aspect can be lost or put on the back burner. Flirting with someone you see daily and discuss the mundane with is not as enticing (although, it should be). Separate lives and feeling like you’re “dating” is somehow more fun!
He jokes that I like when he is away because he is messy (which he is not) or because he is in my space (which he is) but truly, I like when he is away because I like to be alone. I don’t want separate houses, that just seems like a complete waste of money and resources, but staying out of town all week and coming home on the weekend? Sounds good to me!
And don’t get me started on separate bedrooms! I used to think that was the beginning of the end, but now I think it just makes good sense! It doesn’t mean you can’t visit my room…just, time to go now, sleep is important, nighty night.
Periscopecake 