Periscopecake

I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t get fashion. I put on clothes. My daughter makes outfits. Ok, perhaps I have preferences about what goes with what and I wouldn’t pair certain styles of shoes with certain styles of clothing, I’m not a monster! I know what I like and don’t like and mostly aim to not have my ass look horrible and would ideally flatter my shape…or make it look like I have one. Gotta do what’s best for my humps and lovely lady lumps right?

The last time I truly remember caring what was “in style” was in junior high. Back in my day Guess jeans and Club Monaco sweatshirts were in. Basketball jerseys and Obsession For Men. (Least we forget Drakkar Noir). Girls had high hair and heavily lined eyes. Floral jeans and printed hammer pants. I wanted Guess jeans so badly but we couldn’t afford them. I just remember wearing lots of sweaters and almost stealing a Georgetown sweatshirt from The Bay downtown but chickening out. (And thank goodness because my sister and I were busted for shoplifting that day and all I had on me was a lipstick and some stupid card for my boyfriend at the time, from what I remember).

In high school I moved to a new town and decided that I was only going to wear dresses and made myself a few. (Yes, I made myself dresses. As in, bought patterns and tones of floral fabrics and sewed a bunch of dresses). Some of the prints were way too much but I do remember a favorite that I wore with a particularly granny like cardigan and loved it. (oddly enough, my now high school daughter wears dresses a lot, and has a very over-loved pink cardigan, but she somehow looks cool and not as little-house-on-the-prairie as I did). I then welcomed the age of Grunge and didn’t go full flannel but did embrace wanting to only wear thrift store golf shirts and my general outfit of jeans and a polo shirt was born.

I was never really sexy. I was cute. I embraced comfort and ease over style and only owned a couple bar shirts in my early 20’s. Those were the days of the backless shirt (obviously to expose your newly minted tramp stamp!) I had minimal low rise jeans, as even I knew then, that jeans that hit you at your widest point pop that muffin top. What the hell were late 90’s/early 2000’s chicks thinking!? Oh ya, we were thinking that we were fat and needed to be Britney Spears.

I mostly owned jeans and t-shirts. In the early 2000’s I started a family and wore sweaters or…jeans and a t-shirt. I wore scrubs at work and workout clothes otherwise. Did I have “date wear”? I don’t know, did we go on dates? My ex would remember. I probably had like 2 items that were for “dressing up”. (Probably just nicer T-shirts).

I used to love the show What Not To Wear. I watched it weekly and actually learned a lot. I saw that it’s not about size; it’s about fit. I saw that you could dress comfortably but elevated and not look like a tired old hag. I disagreed with the idea of dressing nice to go walk your dog, but I got the concept of looking your best = feeling your best (mostly). I understood the messages and evaluated my wardrobe. I got rid of my one remaining backless bar-shirt and started to revamp my “style”. I have to say that I felt pretty good in my late 20’s and 30’s, as I felt like I dressed for my body type. I was back to owning dresses and wearing jeans that flattered my butt and owned less and less t-shirts. I worked in yoga pants and a t-shirt, and wore gym clothes daily for working out, but not as my regular garb.

I maybe had a moment of being “in style” for a blink in my 30’s. Maybe even for most of my 30’s! When I was back in the dating scene I even invested in some new date clothes! I got some nicer tops and some flattering looks for selling the goods. I was feeling pretty bright and shiny as I entered my 40’s! What do the kids say? I was “feeling myself” and strutting my stuff. Then I tried leggings and it all went downhill.

Ok, so I can’t blame leggings, but seriously, have you tried leggings? They’re heroine for your soul. I haven’t tried heroine, but the calm rush of comfort as leggings feel like you are literally naked but able to sit on furniture and answer the door, is probably like heroine. It also doesn’t help that my boyfriend is a jeans and a t-shirt guy who owns like 2 dress shirts (that I got him) and his “dress shoes” are black pristine skater shoes. (I do not mind this! I’m just setting a scene here). I own 28 pairs of leggings. To be fair, more than half of those have been gifted to me by my pusher…I mean mother.

I own 9 pairs of jeans (3 of which I rotate and the rest never see the light of day). I do have many many dresses and love them (and seriously, discovering lace garter like thigh savers that you wear to prevent thigh rubbing has been life changing and you’ll never look back…but I digress). Dresses require nicer shoes, and I like nicer shoes, but leggings can be worn with your regular runners, or flats or boots or whatever the hell you want! My jeans fit nice and I will cling the the comfortable stretch of skinny jeans as long as I possibly can, but they still dig into your bloated belly as you watch your Netflix! You can’t comfortably crawl around on the floor in your jeans. Why are you crawling around on the floor? Who knows, but leggings won’t question that.

The problem now is that I basically own no t-shirts. Ok, I have a handful. But I have “blouses” that go with jeans. My tops are not set up for a lifetime of leggings! And frankly, I hate tops that are arguably maternity wear. I want breezy but form fitting; pup tent not mess haul.

I own a ridiculous amount of workout clothes and I use them for working out. My leggings are street wear! I do have the neurotic need to wear the clothes for the purpose that they are intended. Jeans don’t ride bikes! I am also sprinkled with the ingrained teachings of my youth to “save” my good clothes for special things. One does not wear their new back to school clothes until the first day of school! Ever. That is precious and you must not wreck them! (doing what? who knows.) So all of my what not to wear training has been filed away and scattered to the outer recesses of my brain and only faintly cry out that Birkenstocks do not look nice with a flowing sun dress and my shape is better in a Wrap than an A-line.

I have been ok not really caring about what’s in style (or even knowing) but then I do have people in my life who look tragically hip and effortless, and age appropriate. (My boss is a style genie!) My daughter is an artist of style and somehow looks amazing even when technically she looks ridiculous (what are these kids even wearing!) I have friends who look great and probably know what cut of jean is current. Then yesterday I realized that I hardly shop, and basically buy a couple of shirts a year, maybe an extra dress. I had a client come in, who was about my age and she looked effortless and current and I owned nothing like what she was wearing and I considered my hearts desire to basically live in leggings and lightweight sweatshirts (I get really hot now, I can’t do sweaters anymore). I basically want to feel like I’m in pajamas at all times, but this lady looked cool and chic and actually comfortable!

I have never even been to Simons downtown! I love and follow a few stores on Instagram, but rarely buy anything. I read the odd que about what’s currently in style and if boyfriend jeans and crop tops are back I will be over here in my old lady skinny jeans and printed blouse; dating my frumpy self because that shit is a hard No. But perhaps I need to take a long hard look at my wardrobe, and maybe invest a couple hundred bucks into not being stuck in my 30’s? Perhaps I should buy a couple shirts with buttons to wear with my leggings and make them classy? Is it cool to own 30 different scarves? I don’t friggn’ know. Maybe I need my boss to style me…but I know she’ll reject my leggings and probably my skinny jeans too and I am not into that.

So I don’t get fashion and maybe I don’t even really care. But I do care about not looking bad. I do want to look flattered and together. I want to be somewhat up to date and not like I’m too young, or too old, for my current station but I also want to be comfortable. I guess “elevated nakedness” is my goal. Is that a trend? Can I wear flats and crawl around on the floor in it? Can I look hot but not actually feel hot? Those are my criteria. Help me Stacy London!