Subtle signs of aging are rearing their head this week. For one, my glorious “frown line” between my eyebrows got a nice red zit that highlighted its existence and basically lit up a torch as a beacon for attention. I am not sure if there has been more stress lately, with the thoughts of selling the house and all that that will entail, but it’s made me more heavily than ever, consider botox and thinking that some sweet botulism nectar may be a great way to “treat-yo-self” on my upcoming birthday.
I have not been sleeping particularly well and that’s nothing new but I’m starting to nearly dread bedtime for wanting it to be this oasis of peace and rejuvenation but it tends to be a time of tossing, being hot, getting up to pee (only once! what a treat!) and general crazy dreams and numb hands and all the makings of “when will this be over” opposed to “aaahh the serenity”. Also, I have noted a major shift in my desire to sleep with my partner. I used to think separate beds were the beginning of the end and now I’m like “see you in the morning!” aka “get the hell out of here and take your body heat and general life source away from me!” It doesn’t help that I can be woken up by a goose crossing the street seven blocks away or a small LED light glowing from one house over. I just want to sleep through a whole night dammit! and have yet to find appropriate cocktail of drugs and scenery that will accomplish this.
I started official race training last week for a two race year. I am excited because it’s been a couple of years since a race, and especially one in person! However, the weather has now become an issue for me. I used to run in -27C and be like “there’s no hard weather, just soft people!” but now I am soft people and I don’t wanna! This winter had me giving a big Nope! to many days when the temperature was colder than a witch’s tit and I was not having it. I also took a couple weeks off weight training, for no apparent reason, and as I got back at that too, I am all kinds of sore. I get so sore now! Like what the hell is that about!? I guess I don’t get more sore, it just takes longer to not be sore. (Ha! like I’m ever “not sore”).
I am sticking to my guns about the house sale and I really want to hold on to the knowledge that this has to happen and needs to proceed. It is very hard because the guilt is tremendous and I really don’t want to do the stuff that has to be done to get to where we need to be; where I want to be! I don’t want to sort the CD’s and the DVD’s and go through the storage and rifle through a life and 16 year marriage and put it into his and her boxes. I don’t want to figure out where the kid’s sentimental toys are going to be stored. I want someone to do this shit for me and not be faced with the reality that most of this will probably fall on my shoulders because I am the action person and the one who makes calls and forces the forward movement into uncomfortable and necessary places. I feel guilt because I care about what happens to the people this effects and sometimes I wish it could all just stay as it is, but holding a house together and maintaining such a huge financial connection with a person you love but technically moved on from (over four years ago), is insanity and doesn’t allow anyone to truly move on.
Sometimes in my marriage, I had the feeling of just wishing I could be two people. Once I started to know I was done and no longer wanted to be in the marriage, I just wished that one version of me could leave and go live the life I wanted to and one version of me could stay and not upset the balance of the ship that I was on, or hurt anyone. I guess I still struggle with that notion. I want the life I now have and am happier in my current relationship and situation, but sometimes want to also tow the line and not disrupt the balance of the household and marriage and family life. Somehow, keeping the house together and all the moving parts remaining as they are, has felt like I’ve been helping and managing two roles. But in essence, I’ve just been delaying the inevitable and enabling the stagnation of my Ex and alleviating my own guilt in some way. I am glad it’s not hostile and that we are able to do this, but maybe the boundaries would be better established if we just got all this sorted years ago. I want to be transported to the finish line.
On the parental front, it’s been an interesting time. My son comes to me for advice and talks to me about banking and life and it’s a wonderful thing to watch him becoming a man. On the flip side, I hear about his lack of personal responsibility with chores and his speeding tickets and I get sent pictures of him passed out at the dining room table at 4am, after being out all night doing God knows what with God knows who, and I realize that the image he gives me is totally for my eyes only and that he is a 19 year old boy-man that lives life like a 19 year old boy-man and his Dad has to see that alter ego, while I get presented with the upstanding college student who has a strong interest in his financial future and researches what credit card rewards program is most beneficial to his lifestyle and goals.
My daughter has begun to turn towards the dark side a little bit and I have never felt so old as I have this past week; in listening to a 15 and a half year old be grouchy about school and teachers and work and anything that requires responsibility, time management and long term vision. I found myself trying to give advice and lecture from a position of experience and not annoyance. Using a lot of “I’m not mad at you, but ….I know my tone is hard, but it’s because I care…” When really I cannot relate in any way and do not get these young wipper snappers and think they are fools who should get haircuts and real jobs!
So I guess my years of being cute and looking young are behind me. I think I may actually be an adult now and I have to do uncomfortable stuff, while being uncomfortable and never sleeping more than three hours in a row. I mean it sure beats the alternative, but seriously, I want my mommy to pay for my clothes and to be able to work-out 6 days a week with boundless energy! I spent years feeling 25, then I felt around 33 for a long while, but this year has 40’s written all over it. To quote the amazing (and not old!) Canadian band “The Pursuit of Happiness” and their timeless classic “I’m an Adult now”; “I got my own reasons to drink now…sometimes my head hurts and sometimes my stomach hurts…I can’t take too much loud music…” Actually I might as well have quoted the whole song but I better go exfoliate and slather some lotions and potions into my aging carcass and pop some ibuprofen; “Gotta get up and take on that world, when you’re an adult it’s no cliché it’s the truth!”
Periscopecake 