Yesterday my youngest child got suspended from school for a day for making out in a school field with her boyfriend. Ok, this is not “funny” funny…but it’s pretty funny. I was at work and in a treatment and I come out to three texts from her Dad and three texts from her; and basically see a small glimpse of “nevermind, I got suspended” before I could get back to it and see what the heck was going on. My first thought was that she better not have done anything illegal, or vandalism, or had a bullying situation! Then I finally got to read that “Me and [blank] were caught making out in the school field and someone reported us having sex”!
So she says they were “just kissing” and I’m assuming that the truth is somewhere in the middle there, but defiantly not sex in a field! (Similarly to how my son got a ticket for being parked (at basically a make-out point) at a park, at 4:30 am a few years ago, and was “just talking”) How dumb do they think we are? I was 15/16/17 once… I mean, my son was most certainly “just talking” and definitely not making out in a car at 4:30 am overlooking the city….just as sure as my daughter was “just kissing” her dreamboat crush that she basically turns beet red over and gushes about and gets all giddy over; they were definitely holding hands too! *sarcasm font*
It was another weird moment of co-parenting where my Ex had to be the primary caregiver and where she was texting me first and then resigning to the concept that she had to tell her Dad. It’s been an interesting reoccurring thought lately about the roles we assume and play and how he and I have switched places during this separation (who is the primary parent) but somehow claimed roles that we’ve always had. I am the go to for talking and emotional support. They tell me stuff. He is the parent who keeps them safe and doesn’t push them. I’m like “wash your bedding, do your homework and let us know where you are in case you go missing” and he’s like “why do you ever need to leave the house, it’s not safe out there. Why do you need an iPhone!”
Before we had kids, he would say that I had to be the bad cop and the disciplinarian and I didn’t want that role because that let him be the good cop; the fun parent. But then it happened and I assumed that role because I was basically was placed there, and lets face it, I am organized and controlling and it suits me. But the funny thing is that the bad cop gets the respect. The bad cop makes them feel like there are boundaries and makes sure to nag them about cutting their nails and washing their smelly hair. My mom was the bad cop. My Dad was the fun one. Now I know that my mom did fucking everything!
Now we find ourselves noticing the roles we are in. I have felt like I’ve missed so much, not living with my kids for the past few years. I miss day to day and the little jokes and fun small moments and daily successes. But as my kids continue to tell me things and come to me for the stuff and the talks and the emotional conversations, he is saying that he is noticing that he is missing out on that. It makes me feel sad for him. I suppose, as I’ve mentioned before, we are each responsible for our own relationships with our kids. I have built this bridge over their lifetimes. I ask a lot of questions and I tell them a lot of stuff. I share and lecture and explain and give anecdotal stories and life lessons. I have fostered (hopefully!) an environment of open dialogue. My son said, when he was a younger teen, that he felt like he could tell me anything and I wouldn’t get mad. That was one of the proudest moments I’ve ever had as a parent!
I mean I don’t advocate making out with your boyfriend in a school field, during school hours (on your spare, so presumably he was skipping class for this action?) Make smarter choices girl! But seriously, who friggin’ cares? I trust her. There are worse things. I also talk to them a lot and openly about sex and body things because it’s going to happen and they should be armed and have autonomy. That being said, I sure do try and lean towards the emotional and physical ramifications of exercising your freedom of choice; that you are free to make a choice but not free from the consequences of said choice. (This momma doesn’t want to be a grandmother for at least a decade! and some choices are truly life altering, so obviously there is that side of this conversation.)
In grade 10, I made out with some boy (yes, I still remember his name) and all we did was kiss and grope and I’m pretty sure I was topless (not even bra-less!) but 100% nothing below the belt, and that stupid jerk must have bragged to his friends and lied about the goings-on and I suffered continuous name calling (mostly “slut”) for the next year and a half (until said bully (yes, I still remember his name) graduated; they were a year ahead of me). Looking back I wish I’d had the confidence to call him out and face this bully rather than basically just try and avoid him, but what can you do? That is more of a fear for my kids; lacking the confidence and ability to speak up, not the fear of them actually doing what they want. I want them to make smart choices but more so, I want them to own their stupid choices and make better ones. And so far, I feel like it’s happening.
I dreaded junior high for my kids, because I suffered bullies and hated it so much, but both escaped unscathed. I don’t know what we did, but somehow we seem to have raised confident individuals with introspection. A girl who directly tells boys she likes that she likes them because she’d rather have it out there and know, than wait and wonder. And she hopefully doesn’t lose her head while being suddenly twitterpated…and gets the natural consequence of just being embarrassed and scared, when busted for “lewd activity” in the school field, and then calms the heck down. But lose her head, she will. We all do! And how fucking great was that!? The amazing terror of the drug that is teen love! I fell in love again three and a half years ago and I still remember that craze! It’s wonderful and makes life worth living! And I’m not a 15/16 year old kid just getting started. How awesome to live that! It’s magic and it’s fleeting (or at least changing and evolving).
My son doesn’t tell me all the in’s and out’s of his “love life” anymore, and thank goodness! I don’t know that I want any info on that beyond the idea that you’re being safe with your body and heart; and the body and heart of what ever young lady you happen to find yourself with. If you get suspended from school for a day because you were busted making out, you’re ridiculous and silly…but you’re also totally living your best life! Enjoy….but don’t make a habit out of it.
Periscopecake 