Periscopecake

This past week felt normal, disturbingly so.  I have really begun to recognize how much of an introverted and reclusive person I am.  I had a more normal week of daily exercise and baking, reading, cooking and watching some movies and shows.  I think that once the weather is nicer, it will only get better with being more able to throw biking into the mix!

I have certainly put on weight.  I haven’t noticed that I’m eating much more but I obviously am and I’m definitely sitting more.  It’s always a sad and remarkable testament to the reality that you can’t out train your fork!  But I am also not super concerned about it.  I won’t get all crazy and try on my jeans or anything! (Although strangely, in my dream last night I was wearing jeans and I can’t recall much more of it, maybe that was the dream).

My nails are growing long and that is a weird and interesting feeling for a massage therapist who has had nails as short as they go for two decades.  I’ve maybe let them grow for the odd time I’ve had a week off or something.  I am not used to these things and I’ve had to adjust the way I scoop out my lip conditioner and vigorously wash my hair. Anyway, ridiculous 5th tier problems!

I am starting to miss little things like being able to pop out to a store for some item I suddenly “need” (I just want some colourful baking cups, dammit!) and this is twofold; one, the stores are closed and two, I am technically unemployed right now and can’t afford to just buy “stuff”!  I certainly miss both of those things.

I am starting to have some mixed feelings about my July marathon; it does seem far away but actually not that far away.  The race has not officially been cancelled yet, but I am starting to have some doubts that it will be able to go off as scheduled, or at the very least, that I’ll be able to travel to the US at that time to even partake.  I have been trying to maintain the motivation, thinking that it will be fine and that I will run a marathon here, on my own, that day even if it doesn’t. Which is obviously not one shred as exciting or fun as going to a race in a wonderful new city and having a subsequent vacation afterwards?  Cheaper!  But that’s about it.

I have been getting up at 7am, which is normal, and going about what would be a typical morning but I also have the strange and nagging feeling that I should be doing something with my time.  I could go to my marital home to sort and clean or something but I have a hard time with that.  I haven’t lived in that house for more than two years, and although it is still half mine, on paper, and many of the contents are yet to be sorted or divided, it is not my house anymore and when I am there for too long I have waves of feeling overwhelmed, nostalgic and kind of angry. (Angry because of the state of the house, not angry because of wanting to live there.)  Upset because I have an awesome home gym that I miss and I can’t wait to move it some day.  Nostalgic because the house was mine and the contents are still remnants of a life I also built.

It’s a weird thing to be the wife and mother for years and to have the home be your domain, and then watch it deteriorate in your absence.  To be annoyed for years that the house jobs have fallen on you, but then sort of miss the productivity of that.  Perhaps it’s also the feeling of lack of control, wanting things to be the way I want them to be, or that I think they should be, but not really having any say about it anymore.  It is also a huge task and there are likely many things; like old kid’s toys and redundant furniture, that need to be ruthlessly discarded, and it will be a general pain in the ass to do so.  Someday we will have to go room by room and deal with this and now is not the time.

I am so grateful that we are such good friends and co-parents and as much as I dread this eventual house pruning, I know it will be fine and we’ll laugh and cry and do it together.  And he has his work cut out for him in that garage, so I at least don’t have to set foot in there!

I have felt very thankful this week.  Two very proud moments were witnessing my kids hugging and telling each other how much they loved each other. (To which I quickly grabbed my phone and got a few candid shots before they heard the photo snaps).  And also some conversations with my son, one in which he said that most of his friends don’t like their parents or are annoyed or secretive with them, and he just can’t get that, and is so glad that he doesn’t feel that way.  Those are the moments where I feel like all of our intentions and efforts in parenting have somehow come together and worked like I hoped they would.

I have felt so glad for my job and the home away from home it has been for me for 16+ years.  That we have been closed for four weeks now and my boss has been using the time to revamp and spruce up the place and really push through the unimaginable stress I’m sure she is feeling about the uncertainty of keeping a business she built afloat for as long as possible, while there is no revenue coming in.

I have felt so lucky for friendships that don’t require daily watering and hold the test of time.  And for my boyfriend who is both an island and a parachute.

These days feel surreal and like an endless loop of “what day is it?”  And I wonder how things will be irrevocably changed or how they may be forgotten and just start back to “normal” again.  I feel this sense of denial; that it will all be back to how it was in just another month or so, but then a slight fear that it will never be the same.

But someday, no doubt, we will all try our jeans back on and go to the store for some quick trip, to get some non-essential items, and all will be right with the world.  And maybe even better for having recognized the privileges we have taken for granted.

…What are we going to do today, Brain?…