This week took me slightly down the pathway into the haunted forest. There weren’t lions and tigers and bears…ok maybe there were tigers; I jumped on the Tiger King bandwagon and binge watched that train-wreck. But the week was more like catnaps and searching my cupboards for treats like a teenage boy, hoping that a snack would jump out at me while I stood there with the fridge door open. I was very close to making a full cake but, as it was just me all week, so I found some restraint and didn’t do that. I did learn that butterscotch chips are a whole lot of sweet on their own and I would not recommend it.
The week started out kind of poorly on Sunday, with the weather saying it was 3 degrees and me having a 16k run to get in, and a poor attitude to overcome. I dressed far too optimistically and I was cold and annoyed the whole time. But I did it, and it was fine yet slow, and I kept my mood in check as best I could for my lovely boyfriend who is nothing but encouraging and good to me.
I don’t know what overtook the stride and motivation after Sunday but as everyone in the household went off for the week and I was alone, I lost some steam and had no supervision to keep me in line. I generally don’t even turn on the TV when I’m alone but I binge watched too much TV this week. I watched some unmemorable garbage and Thursday night I started “Friends” from the beginning (I’ve only seen it while it was actually on TV, so that is fun). I truly forgot how much of a Monica I am. I mean it hit pretty hard and hilarious when Rachel moved the green ottoman, and I know my roommate does things like that because she thinks it’s funny that I move stuff back to being square or where they “actually go”.
I finished my book and napped most days for 30 or 40 mins. I only left the apartment once, to briefly go to the house and exchange some paperwork and hug the kids. I find that there is a slippery slope when you realize that there is nowhere to be and no real reason to get up early, or not have wine at 2pm. But luckily, my biggest rebellion was just not showering or getting out of my pajamas for nearly 3 days…I am not really a sleep-in person and the latest I can stay asleep or in bed is probably 8:30am at most.
I love being alone. I truly do. I need space and silence and no one around but I am so glad for phone conversations this week. I had a few good conversations on the phone and felt a bit of ability to vent and connect. I have also text a lot and kept some social media group connections and messages going.
This week is my third week of being off work and over saturated with social media and pandemic information, I felt I huge pressure to gain control over what I could and that meant spending every morning online, or on the phone, trying and trying to set up accounts and seek information about employment income insurances available to me. I’ve finally memorized my social insurance number after decades of having to haul it out the rare time it is actually required.
By Wednesday, I had solved some stuff but also hit a few walls, as the government is overwhelmed with calls from the thousands and thousands of other people in my position, all doing the same thing at this time. I realized I was sinking into a weird hole and was greasy and lazy and I needed to at least lift weights and stretch and pull myself together. I felt way better after I exercised and showered!
By Thursday morning I felt like I had done all that I can do. I’ve sent in papers and taken control of the things that I can control and also realized that I wasted a lot of time on things that don’t apply to me, but that’s fine. Now I hurry up and wait; and things kind of are what they are for now.
Friday I felt more like myself and lifted weights and showered and went out for a small grocery trip. I do not want to try on my jeans currently, but I have no reason to either. I wish it would stop being so cold and snowy and am now missing the good fortune of going to a restaurant or just the idea of something outside of the house.
There are so many people struggling right now and so much uncertainty about when we can return to work or what this will all look like in a month or three. I am trying still to not fret and feeling like I need to have my exercise and normal days so that I can have that control and purpose.
Maybe I needed a few days to slack and sloth. Maybe I needed to be reminded that I don’t like how it feels to not get some movement in or how much I need exercise for my stress management.
Yesterday I spent some time culling through my recipe binder, and that’s a task I’ve been avoiding for years! I ruthlessly removed a huge pile of magazine clipped recipes I’ve never made, and will never make, from years of good intention assembling.
I baked and planned for the week and now here we are on Sunday again. There is 18k on my agenda this morning but after a week of not running, that may be a poor choice. Maybe 14k or 16k again today. There is a lingering question over whether or not my marathon in July will even take place, as it is 4 months away, it feels like it just has to!…but it also feels like it may be unlikely, judging by today.
I want to have the mind that I will train and plan as though it will all go ahead, but that is waning a bit. Marathon training is harder than running the actual race and I have to keep a good level of discipline to want to go all the way and then maybe not even have the final hurrah. But then again, I currently have nothing but time and I am still allowed and able to run outside and enjoy that peace and freedom. And seriously, what else am I doing?
Periscopecake 