As I rounded the last kilometer of my run this morning, Cypress Hill was playing in my ears about how I ain’t goin’ out like that and the irony of these days and that song was not lost on me (nor was the reality of being a 41 year old, white middle-class Canadian mother of 2, listening to rap from 1993…but I digress)
Last week I mused over what a difference a week makes and now it seems like we’re living the plot of a crazy movie! I may have made the mistake of watching Contagion this week also. Maybe don’t do that…or if you’re having trouble wrapping your head around “social distancing”…maybe do! I have found myself falling in between moments where I forget that things are scary and changed; and feeling like everything is totally normal and same as it ever was (letting the days go by).
In this past week my work has shut down (not forever!) and I have found myself home. The schools have shut down and although my grade 8 student is kinda thrilled, my grade 12 one is now potentially without his grad ceremony and all the hoopla that he has worked for until this year. Although I’m sure this is more sentimental for me than for him and he is probably more concerned about how this affects his post secondary plans for next year, than he is about missing out on his learning and the ceremony part.
My main concern at first was how I was going to pay for my food and shelter and how I would possibly get by with no income. I have found mild irritation at the tone deaf nature of “we just get to lay on our couches” style memes and sentiments, and realized that many not only get to work from home, but also seemingly have incomes or lifestyles that see isolation and removal of the commute as a sort of vacation and much needed reprieve from the rat race. Many of us do not, and many are in a far far more stressful position than I am, and have no idea at all how they will make rent, and cannot stock pile goods.
But I did what I could ; applied for the social programs available to me, deferred my mortgage (I still have rent), called the places I needed to, and felt relief that made me feel less panic (for now). All these isolation and reduced exposure measures do make sense to me, and I do feel like it’s important to social distance and, assuming (hoping!) that this may be on a way to repair in six weeks, I feel like I’ll be ok. I try not to think about what happens if this all continues for months, and I’m trying not to stress over that which I cannot change. I have been proud to remember that I am a generally optimistic person who gets shit done and doesn’t run in circles hoping someone will save me. I have felt worry turn to action and peace of some kind…or at least acceptance. I am trying to not fear and to be grateful and aware that things could be much worse for me, and that I have so many wonderful things and people to be thankful for.
I have spoke on the phone with friends, rather than met up. I had my daughter for days of alone time. I ran like normal and worked out at home. I baked and made food that could be cheap and plentiful. I felt resourceful! I have noticed that one big upside to no school and work is that the living arrangements of my kids and family can be a bit more fluid, and I appreciate the relationships I have with my kids and this extra time.
I have had a couple afternoon naps and I wonder how I will live in a world where I can’t nap as required. I was upset to have the gyms close and had planned to get back to yoga this week; but I have yoga DVDs and although I miss the former glory of my awesome home gym (which is a long story, but is still at my marital home, and yet to be moved to wherever I eventually live) I have a good handful of home workout accessories and can get a decent workout in, so it’s truly a very small and “first world” problem.
I have made a few sewing project plans and look forward to reading more. Although we have binge watched a 10 hour series in the last 3 days, so there is that…
I have been working all year so far to rebuild my running base and got started with an 18 week training plan for what will be my 7th marathon, today. The race is in July and I just need to assume will go on as planned. I guess I just need that to be normal. I don’t know if it will be cancelled, or what the next few months will bring, but I need to plan like I am; and train for my sanity and normalcy.
I could enter a state of panic and utter despair, or I could embrace the reality that I have some time on my hands and I get to never wear makeup (not that anyone has to wear makeup!) or real pants. I can be frugal and super tight with my limited funds but still run and workout and do so many fun things with a basically empty calendar!
I am worried. I do have some paranoia and fear and have felt much annoyance over the idea of people hoarding, and this all turning into a chaos that brings out humanity’s worst. I have felt mad at the people not taking it all seriously, and felt sad for my boyfriend who loves his parents above all others, and feels like he can’t visit them, just in case of contaminating them somehow. I have felt stress and worry over those I love or care for also being in a bad financial place and how they will eat and stay afloat.
But this has made me aware of all the good parts too. And the realization that I can get by with far less; and that I do have hobbies, and people, and many wonderful things that basically cost nothing! I have realized how lucky I feel to live in Canada and how much we take for granted (stocked grocery store shelves being one!)
As things are changing daily, at this point; and we all have no idea when this will all change or what the next few months will look like. It is a reminder that we actually never know that information. We get lulled into the security of today, and what we have now, and the plans we’ve made for the future, but this is an extreme reminder that it really can all change in a week; that we only have control over our own behavior and response.
Hopefully you are finding all the things to be grateful for too and enjoying what is still bright and shiny in your life, despite the clouds of dust storming around us.
Periscopecake 