It may come off as a little “pick me” but I can say for the most part that I like men. As someone who also literally says an exacerbated “Fucking men!” pretty often, it is a bit of a contradiction.
Growing up I had the “fun dad”. The dad that wasn’t the disciplinarian and was goofy and easy going. I always got a long with men and have had many years where a guy was my best friend. In my adult life, I’ve lived with men more than ever living with another woman. I do just find men easier. Or should I say, I did find men easier.
I have a son, who is awesome, and whom I can have meaningful discussions with. He shares too much and so do I. He calls me out and argues with me. He is me in many ways, and the relationship is only difficult in that he IS me sometimes, and I am often a challenge.
I have an ex husband who I lived with for nearly 17 years. He is a close friend whom I love and care for, but also drives me completely nuts. But I would trust him with my life and nearly anything (except to get stuff done in a timely manner. Ha!)
I lived with my high-school sweetheart and my male best friend. I lived with a boyfriend (who became a very short lived husband *see a previous post about that). I now live with my long term boyfriend of 8 years, and have done for about 7 of those years. In my life I have had a childhood of one sister, a girl-friend roommate for about a year (not good) and a girl-friend room mate for about 2 years (amazing!) I have had many male friends and a few of those were my best friend at the time.
My life has been riddled with really good, close and super fun relationships with men. I actually used to find other girls hard. I am no “tom boy” but I guess I am just really honest, open and anxious sometimes, mixed with shy and overly trusting, and I think that many girls just didn’t make a lot of sense to me. I liked that boys were easier, more laid back, and seemed to just be less neurotic. Which is pretty rich coming from someone who is pretty neurotic.
The problem I did run into sometimes was the argument of the old adage that “men and women can’t be friends” because one will have “feelings”. This sadly did happen a couple times and the friendship ended. One time I actually did start a romantic relationship with a long time best friend (male) and it ended badly. We realized a couple weeks in that it was weird and then there was no real going back. We drifted and never returned.
My current male buddy has been in my life since I met my ex-husband (he was his high-school friend). I joke that I won him in the divorce, but truly, he is friends with both of us now. There has never been a romantic interest on either side (that I know of) and it has never felt weird or any sense of attraction lingering in the background. (He had a moment with one of my best girlfriends, and they are now just friends too, because this guy is a stand up guy and he’s never made anything “weird”.)
Things have shifted as an adult and there is a slight sadness about that. I have very long term and very close relationships with many women now. I am hugely lucky to have some very tight female friendships and love/understand women so much more as an adult. I don’t know if it was becoming a wife or a mother, or just maturing in general, but my girlfriends have become these deep, open, trusting and absolute love situations. I suppose too that being married for many years, and having that relationship, wasn’t really conducive to developing male friends of any substance, or maybe it somehow became odd as an adult.
I think once sex and all the layers of adult life were on the table, male and female friendships started to become more taboo or questionable. Maybe there wasn’t room in the picture for more friends. Maybe I never met many men I clicked with in the way I used to, or maybe clicked in ways that would be weighted in one direction or another and I never wanted to lead anyone on. I would be more in contact with some men I know, and truly like, but it is all weird when we have partners or maybe have dated in the past; there is a question of what is appropriate or comfortable for all parties.
Then also, through dating and social media and all the access we now have to the evidence of just how many truly shitty men there are out there, male friendships felt unnecessary and dangerous in some fashion. Not to mention, the fact that I seem to always be in a relationship, so are more male close friends important or justified? And don’t get me wrong, there are many very toxic and obnoxious women. There are shallow and horrible people of all genders. But I think I sympathize with women more as an adult and see just so many more poorly behaved adult men.
But I also feel for men. In my experience and those of my friend’s husbands, many men do not have friends. So many men have activity based relationships where they literally know no details about one another. Many men seem to have no outlet for feelings, worries, grief, hopes and dreams. I’ve witnessed men not be able to maintain friendships in the way women do and not reach out for support in the way women do, and it’s really sad.
Is it how they are raised and assimilated? Is it messaging through media and culture? When we see this concept of a male loneliness epidemic, it is not necessarily lack of some love interest or physical companion, it seems to also be a lack of real bonds and vulnerability. It seems to be lack of trust and closeness. So many men just have their girlfriend or wife. I’ve met some rare men over the years who have a tight friend group that probably do share more than the cliche “sports and beer” commonalities. But it does seem like many men really struggle with building and keeping close friend relationships.
Is a male/female friendship risky as an adult? How can we be sure that romantic feelings or attraction don’t develop? We can’t. There is truly no way to stave off potential for attraction and deeper feelings unless both parties are truly and absolutely not attracted to one another at all. Is that to say that they shouldn’t spend long, close and intimate discussion and time together? Perhaps. Is it maturity and a level of self control and personal boundaries that keep the friendship within platonic parameters? I talk about nearly everything with my girlfriends. We share pain and questionable thoughts. We discuss relationships and hard truths. Is there a barrier that should not be discussed with a male friend in order to keep it “safe”? I don’t know, but I do know that even though there is absolutely not romantic stuff between me and my guy friend, I do not discuss anything sexual in nature unless it is absolutely relevant to a topic, and maybe not even then.
There are also the questions and suspicions that may arise. I have some communication with my friend’s partners, as is appropriate, or justified, but I make sure to not hang out or be somehow overly involved, because I don’t want strange optics or uncomfortable assumptions made. I was having some back and forth with my one girlfriend’s man about running and made sure to tell her I wasn’t hitting on her man. (She laughed. She knew. But I wanted to be clear).
I guess I don’t really know why I’m thinking about this lately. Maybe it’s the cognitive dissonance of being a bit man-hating as an adult woman, while also truly loving men and having many examples in my life of wonderful ones. Maybe it’s seeing men be absolute abhorrent individuals while also feeling empathy and care for their lack of close friends and deep connections. Maybe I miss those male best friends but also feel like it absolutely could not work for me anymore. (Would I even want it to, with so many close women in my sphere?) Maybe I think about my ex and my son and my boyfriend and want them to have the relationships I have with other people (besides me).
I just see that there is some lack, some imbalance, or something we have done wrong in the raising of boys, or in the culture of friendships. Obviously there is a huge gap in how we socialize young boys and young girls. And despite the very real threat of there being a very large number of absolutely heinous men, who are tone deaf at best, and literal predators at worst, there are (I believe) many more totally awesome men and boys. (And before there is argument, yes, there are some dreadful women, but I’m talking about men here).
I hope the generations of young people coming up can bridge some gap in what seems to sometimes be a gender war. I hope to see men having meaningful friendships and close connections. I hate the idea of the men I love being deeply lonely. I need to think more about how my own bonding has shifted from generally men to mostly other women, and the questions that brings. While, once again, I live very peacefully and easily with a man, and do actually spend the great majority of my time with him solely, so maybe he technically is my best friend. The one who witnesses the most of me at least.
