Periscopecake

My youngest kid just turned 20 last week and I had to really think back to what my 20th was like. I see it in a different light than I did back then. I always think that I am who I always was, and joke that I’ve been 40 since I was a teenager. (You couldn’t pay me to relive that decade.) I used to settle for way less and put up with way more. I can only hope that I can instill even a few tidbits onto my kids to help them navigate slightly better and maybe tolerate less.

While I have always been a bit mature, opinionated and rigid in my personality, I see how the main thing that has changed about me is what I am no longer willing to accept, and I have seemingly passed this hard won wisdom on to my kids, based on the things I’ve heard them say about their friend’s relationships and their own.

One hard fast belief I have is that if someone is trying to change you, or you feel like you need to change them; you are not in the right relationship. Now, compromise is a whole other conversation and is obviously necessary throughout a relationship of any kind. But the actual attempt to make someone into something they are not is a hard pass.

What do I mean by this? Here are a few examples: I spent 16 years in a relationship with my kid’s dad. He’s a good guy. He is still a good friend and obviously he will forever be in my life as the father of my kids, and as someone I trust implicitly and know fully. The man saw babies exit my body and I know I could call him in any pinch (and likewise). But, I spent a great many years being a nag, trying to “make” him hear me, trying to have him see that he “should” be more like me (or at least less like him). Then eventually I realized that not only did I deserve a partner who met me half way, or that I didn’t have to show how to love me, or require nagging to get any sort of thing accomplished; he also deserved a woman who loved him as he was/is. He was not for me if he wasn’t “plug and play” to my standards, and I wasn’t for him, if he felt like he could never do anything right by me.

My son had his first long term girlfriend do the same. She was trying to “make him better”, and fair; I could justify that I was also trying to “make my husband better”, but better is subjective. If you aren’t growing together, compromising because you see value and reason, adding a positive influence or benefit to one another, why are you together? Life is too short. Go find that guy or gal that already comes pre-assembled with your interests, goals and values. She was not wrong and nor was he, they were young and dating and figuring it out; as they should be.

My daughter has had friends since as early as 15 years old staying in relationships where they fight constancy, feel general disdain, and seemingly don’t even like their boyfriend, yet stay together because of some weird blind loyalty; because they have been together so many months (oh sweet summer child!) And my advice/opinion is always “Why!?” Move on, not every friendship, dating relationship, or person you pair up with is meant to be forever. You can’t find what else is out there, and maybe better suited, if you hang on to that which is not meant for you.

I have had many women tell me about their relationships and many are toxic, sad and tumultuous, yet they stay because it’s been several years, or they have a house, or any variety of heavy and seemingly justifiable excuses. Yes, certainly, leaving a long term relationship is painful, expensive, scary, and difficult. But what is more difficult? Wasting more years? Wasting someone else’s time? Being upset, fighting, feeling unseen, being anxious, angry or constantly hurt or disappointed?

My daughter dated a guy for a year and a bit who she liked a lot, made her laugh, and was interesting to her for a while. However, he also held her back, kept her fairly bored, showed no ambition or desire to grow, and didn’t bring out the best in her. She felt scared to breakup, scared to hurt him and worried about how the loss of him would feel. My take was “What is worse, breaking up now and you both moving on, or doing it in 6 more months, wasting each other’s time/youth?” Is it worse to leave a relationship that is not happy after 3 years or three years and one day? Both him and her deserve to move on and find a better match. It’s not about blame, it’s about self respect and respecting someone else enough to let them go, if you are not really into it anymore.

I also have very strong options about fighting. I believe that no one should be yelled at, demeaned or insulted. I regret yelling at my kids when they were small. I regret fights I had during my divorce that were mean, yelling or became violent. That is not how I am or wish to be. I am grateful that although my kids witnessed some of that vitriol, they never saw that during their life, before or since. But I am not a fighter, I am a talker. I want discussion and open discourse. I do get that high emotions can bring out the worst in people, and have been part of some moments where both parties could have acted better. I never want that again. I hope my kids never suffer harsh fights and cruelty (or provide it to others).

I think that as I have gotten older, heard so many stories, read and watched so many examples of love that I hope never finds me, and seen so many men and women just stay in relationships because of some weird emphasis our culture places on “sticking it out” or “limitless devotion”, or the very unrealistic and romanticized notion of “unconditional” love. I’m sorry, there are conditions! And some big ones are that you aren’t treated like shit, are respected, and have basic autonomy. If I shave off my hair, that’s my choice. If my partner doesn’t find that attractive, then that’s another topic (yes, we can all do whatever we want but we are not immune to the consequences of those actions). Many things could be considered a personal choice but also ones that might affect the relationship and those may be compromise points (or not).

I would never end a relationship because I didn’t like my partners haircut or decision to take up pickle-ball. But, if there was a divide that started to occur because of increased differences in values, effort and commonality, and no mutual effort to build, grow and be our general best self for one another, then those small changes do actually become big and more impactful.

I overall just hate seeing loved ones, people I know (and people in general!) stay “stuck” in unhappy or unhealthy relationships (romantic or otherwise). There is no way to start or find something that fits better or suits you more, if you remain where peace and love are no longer being served. Relationships should enhance your life, help you grow, inspire your best behaviour and bring you peace and joy more often than they bring you stress and pain.

The idea that you shouldn’t hold onto a mistake because you spent a long time making it, is sage advice and I’d further say something that a friend of my dad’s told me when I was maybe 10, “A mistake is just learning as long as you don’t keep on choosing to do it over and over again” and I am not sure any relationship is a mistake, it’s information and hopefully a point of growth…as long as you don’t hold on for the sake of holding on while you both suffer endlessly. We should actually like our life, I would argue, and that means who you spend your time with also.