Now I don’t put a tonne of stock into the science of “love languages”, but as a “words of affirmation” gal, I am someone who throws around compliments. I love the idea that a simple compliment or kind word can make someone’s day. It’s easy and I am genuine about it. It also is a really good benefit to being a woman, especially a woman of a certain age.
I have realized that some of the compliments I’ve thrown around land better because I am a woman and would perhaps be creepy or catcalling as a man. And I do hold back! There are times I’ve wanted to compliment some woman I see out there or some fella, and thought it was an inappropriate time or place and stopped myself. I shouldn’t, I suppose. But I also have a tendency to have words stream directly from my brain to my mouth and then feel uncomfortable after the fact. I probably see a dozen compliment potentials a day, and don’t always say it out loud.
For example, I ran by a man the other day who was running topless (and he actually did have a nice body) and I almost shouted out to him, “save some sexy for the rest of us!”…maybe fun, maybe inappropriate. (That falls a bit in the line of “what was he wearing? he was asking for it” no?) and today I ran by a girl and yelled back at her that she smelled amazing. I once ran by a lady and told her that her hair was like a Disney princess; (it was!) and I bet she never heard that one before.
I do tend to compliment people most when I’m out running, so there is a strong likelihood that I am not looking spectacular myself, or that we’re both wearing headphones, but hopefully they still land the same. There is a woman who works in the same studio space I do, who is literally the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen, and I feel like she might be like “um…cool?” if I told her that, so I have refrained.
But I do tell people they have great skin or that whatever colour really suits them, or that their eyes are amazing. I nearly said “Holy shit, you’re gorgeous!” to a man at Starbucks yesterday, and I did not. (These things are also a benefit of aging, no way 20 or 30 something me would do that, but nearly 50yr old me, comes off as not as flirtatious…that’s what I tell myself anyway). But, again, being a woman does grant a bit of grace in these matters. If I tell some chick I pass that her jeans make her ass look amazing, she is far more likely to be like “Oh my God! Thanks!” to me than if, say, my boyfriend did the same. (He would never!)
However, a few years ago a friend of mine changed my perception of looks based compliments. That same friend is very pretty, in fact, she is somehow very sexy in a way that has always garnered her a lot of male attention, and she says that looks based compliments are cheap and not associated with anything the person actually did themselves. I hadn’t thought of that before. She has a good point. I have full lips and nice eyes. I didn’t make those, my genes did that. While it’s obviously nice to hear, I would rather have a compliment about being funny, smart or good at something. The best compliment I received recently was a client telling me that I look like I do cross-fit. I was thrilled! How hard I workout and how much effort I put into my lifestyle; being noticed was so validating.
This has really changed the way I compliment. I have changed to mostly note nice glasses, a good outfit, flattering haircut or other points that the person actually had a hand in choosing or making happen. Makeup, hairstyle, outfit, muscles, scent, etc. and personality traits. Noting something about a person beyond their DNA advantage shows attention to detail and effort. Telling an attractive person that they are attractive is fairly low hanging fruit. They have heard it before, certainly. Easy, nice, but not original. But still so hard not to be taken aback by beautiful eyes or some amazing features.
It’s not so much that we should hold out on our compliments, nice things heard are rare and worthy, but finding a new and interesting way to see beauty is extra special. If someone was hitting the gym hard and a stranger noticed that their delts were popping, it would make their day more than hearing that their blue eyes were stunning…they literally woke up that way but those delts took effort and time.
In a world of social media comment sections that break people down, or filters and celebrity culture that encourages perfection and body modification, throwing out a genuine compliment in earnest is an easy way to fill someone’s cup and costs nothing (it kind of makes your day too).
Periscopecake 