When I was a teenager I often had male best friends. I had a few girlfriends, a couple of whom I’m still in contact with, and one that I am still quite close with (although we re-found one another, we were not in each other’s lives for many years.) When I was friends with guys, I just found it easier. I felt like guys were no drama and easier to trust somehow. I mean bitches be crazy! Right? Well, not really, but in high school maybe…I joke to my son that Dames be Grief, and in many ways they are, but as I have gotten older and forged long and everlasting relationships with many other women, I am evermore the girl’s girl.
I feel badly for many of the men I have in my life, as I feel like they seem to not only not have as deep of friendships with their guy pals, they often seem to have very few relationships at all (beyond their partners or family). I have seen my son maintain a few closer male friendships, but watch as many fade away (as happens when you’re young, especially). He used to like being friends with girls more because he appreciated the depth. He noted that girls actually talk about stuff. And that is the glue for me now; my girlfriends are therapy and holders of secrets (not that I have many).
As an adult, I’ve witnessed female friendships become the cornerstones of my whole foundation. In having children and divorce and all sorts of emotional turmoil as a common tie, I feel an easy bond and openness with most women now. My daughter likes to bug me for how easily I tear up, but seriously, if I get talking about how deeply I feel connection and comrade with women, I get a little verklempt. I can be a judgy bitch sometimes but I am all in for supporting other women, and I will over-share and bond with any other lady because: I see you girl!
Don’t get me wrong, I do have a whole level of support and sadness for the lives men endure and what’s expected of them, and I feel huge empathy (especially having a son and loving some men very much); but women are my rocks. I can call up a girlfriend with a “he said this; and I feel this; and I don’t really understand why I am feeling that; and I need your opinion/ear/tough-love”; and they’ve got me. My friend can tell me their deepest sadness and their concerns about their marriage or issues about infidelity, commitment, kids, and jobs (anything!) and I’m all over it. I’m here for the nitty gritty and they are too. I want to be able to talk about hair and hormones. And this is something I am not sure men have in their friendships, or many of them don’t, and that’s sad and strange to me.
My last period was brutal and they are only getting worse. I can send my friend a random story of hilarity regarding blood coming out of my body and they are like “Oh my God, me too!” We can talk about poop and boob hairs and all sorts of intimate details and share a bond of “Oh my God, me too!” We can find ourselves in trouble with too many sexual details that generally dissipate past the dating stage, because no one wants to know that shit about your actual husband or partner!(…but unfortunately they may know one too many details from the early stages that they have to pretend they don’t know, once it becomes serious). Eventually any talk is more about emotions, thoughts or concerns, not anatomy or behind-closed-doors details. Not only does such info seem disrespectful to our partners; but I personally don’t want to know that about my friend’s husband because…I don’t want to know that about my friend’s husband!
I didn’t develop these deeper female friendships until I was an adult. Many of my girlfriends have known me for 10-20 years now (some longer!) and that is the bond. I’ve never had a fight with a friend, but perhaps because we don’t see each other too often. I’ve been slightly hurt or slightly annoyed but I also tend to talk about that if I do, and if it feels important. I have been dumped by friends and I have dumped. I don’t know that I’ve felt heartbreak as strong as when a “best-friend” of nearly 8 years, suddenly dumped me and we never spoke again (probably about a decade ago, now). Losing a close girlfriend hits on a different level. The honesty and depth between us is different; there is no ulterior motive or romantic notion. There is also the reality that this person knows things that others don’t (possibly) and there is the unwritten rule that it stays that way.
I have been very impressed and happy to discover that my teen daughter has conversations with her friends about periods and teen pregnancy; that they discuss sexuality and their bodies. It gives me great hope! Women need other women to feel “normal” and know that other people suffer the same thoughts and insecurities as them or, if not, that they can offer another perspective and opportunity to grow. I can’t imagine not having had friends to talk to during my separation or now; with body conversations about our aging uteruses and what the hell is happening with this or that physically.
Don’t get me started about the concerning things happening in regards to women’s rights lately. I don’t know whether to scream or cry (mostly cry). I feel like women need connections more than ever, and support from close friends, more than ever. I have friends from ages 30-65+ and we all hold similar thoughts, fears, hopes and frustrations. There is an unbroken circle of knowledge and experience that we can all draw on to help one another grow and face stages in our lives, and I am totally here for that!
Even when my Son tells me stuff about girls, I am concerned for him and support his plight (see Dames be Grief) but honestly, I do also think “guurl, don’t screw yourself over for some boy!” I also feel this with my Mother in law, who is so supportive and loving to me, even though I hurt her son and she could totally hate me for it (I mean we have been in each other’s lives for over 20 years and I am the mother of two of her grandkids, so its optimal that we are amicable). Both she and my sister in law are amazing and caring women who also seem to recognize the connection of womanhood in me and share the “guuurl, don’t screw yourself over for some boy!” understanding, when it comes to how much I love, but truly could no longer be with, their Son/Brother.
I’ve been reflective of this today because I woke up with a very very terrible period and was supported by my female boss and coworkers. I connected with my mom about it and she noted that her mom never spoke of such things. It made me feel happy to be in a place in time where we do speak of these things and that this is my experience, and hopefully my daughters too. It made me feel supported and reminded me that my best friends and I sometimes don’t see each other for months but I know I can suddenly send a message and say anything.
I am glad that I am no longer best friends with men. I sure like men and appreciate talking with them very much. I love their perspective and like that we also don’t always have to discuss emotions. I feel dismay for men who seemingly have no outlet for discussing their body or relationships, outside of their wives or girlfriends, and therefore maybe even don’t discuss things much at all. Maybe it’s also arguable that gender has absolutely nothing to do with it and some people are just more trust worthy and open; that is likely very true. But I’m here for the ladies and will hold tight to those anchors.
Periscopecake 