My one friend jokes that trying to make plans with me is like: “Let’s check the third Sunday in February or how about the 25th of March”. And to be fair, that’s not far off; but it isn’t true either. I have a great deal of “free time”, but a recent line that struck me is “Let’s normalize not confusing someone’s “free time” with their “availability”.”
I work non-traditional hours and always have. I work Saturday and some evenings and generally have my mornings free. I do not have two days off in a row, and basically have never. I have Sundays and Wednesdays. I am an early riser. Not like 5 am early, but around 6 am. I basically never sleep in (thanks natural wake cycle!) and I’m pretty ok with that because I always have things I’d like to do and sleeping in until 8am like some teenager makes me feel like half the day is wasted! (I jest, my teens sleep till noon at least, like lazy time-spilling monsters!)
The trouble I have, or maybe the guilt I feel, is that I prioritize fitness and the things around the house. I place far too much of my self-worth on how much I get done before 9 am and frankly, I love my ability to be efficient more than any other trait I have. (I also waste a great deal of time, let’s be honest. One does not have cell phone bill records that note 1901 outgoing text messages last month, and claim to be super productive). I certainly spend time on my phone! Not super proud of this fact, but here I am.
I am increasingly aware that I am a neurotic creature of habit and have routines that would make me very easy to stalk. If you message me at 6:30 am on any given day, I’ll probably respond but around 9:30 am on a Tuesday? I’m probably running. I generally have breakfast, do chores and meal stuff (and lounge) for an hour or two, then either run, get into my gym, or bike. I try to not make morning appointments, if I can help it. For someone who most definitely eats breakfast around 6:30 or 7am every day, I am surprisingly unavailable before noon! (And my phone is on do not disturb between 9:45 pm and 7:15 am)
So back to my point, I have no availability! I feel lucky and find myself filled to the brim with gratitude for the wonderful friends I have, but screw me if I actually want to see them more than once a month! Scheduling time with individual friends for coffee dates and walkie-talkies is near impossible sometimes. Especially considering that everyone else also has jobs and lives and (possibly) kids and partners. The added layer for me also is that, because I do not live with my kids, I also have highly coveted time with them (or especially the younger one, as the older one has his own life and schedule to attend to also).
When you live with someone you have the day to day, and the circumstantial seeing them in passing. It’s easy to take for granted that you do somewhat spend time together. When you live apart, these moments are planned and scheduled, which defiantly makes it more intentional, but also adds to the agenda. Also, having kids in school, makes for another barrier from contact. It’s like planning dates with friends that you also feed and clothe, who have work and other people they’d rather see, and places they want you to drive them. The consolation is that older kids aren’t as offended when you say that you’re doing this or that today instead, because they are like “cool, I wanted to sleep till 3pm and see so and so anyway”).
*Case in point I hadn’t seen my son in a bit a as I dropped off my daughter the other evening, I saw him and we waved to each other. I overwhelmingly wanted to run up and at least hug him. I nearly drove back around the block to do so and told him this. He was like “that’s fine.” And I realized that the hug was obviously more for me than for him. (Even though I know it is also for him but he doesn’t know that yet.)
I am lucky to have a solid handful of friends and some that have the ability to meet in the afternoon on a Wednesday. I am fine to have friends that cancel and it’s nothing I’m offended by. I rarely cancel and am generally always on time, but I often can take or leave a date without feeling let down. I am glad to be the friend who asks my friend if they are free and when they say I am home with *insert partner or kid name* I say ok cool, and don’t assume that means they are doing “nothing” and are free for me to draw on.
(Although, I suppose there may be limits to this, and any such scenario, as we tend to prioritize that which is important to us, and if one cancels on you many many times or makes no effort at all, that is a message about your value to them or their value to you).
Then there is family! Holy moly that gets even harder. My parents live two hours away. I can’t pop over and have a quick lunch. It’s a day. Ideally, I’d like to be seeing my parents every month, but it often has become every two. As I have learned by putting a reminder in my phone to wash my bedding at frequently spaced intervals, time goes quickly! (Also, now that I schedule washing my bedding every 3 weeks, I am faced with the wonder of how frequently I did it before? Like, seriously, three weeks comes fast and I am pretty sure I wasn’t washing those sheets as often as I thought I was before this system! Go ahead and judge me).
Now throw in meeting new people that you want to be friends with or long lost friends who want to meet for coffee. There truly are not enough hours in the day! There are specifically at least 3 people who I want to be friends with and I am not able to act on this because I don’t know when I am going to date these ladies! I know, I know, that’s a pretty obnoxious “problem” to have. But seriously! I find myself spending more time with friends who have more time that is similar to mine, and it is definitely not due to lack of love or desire for the others.
Then there is time alone; of which I need a lot. I work one on one with people and have so much conversation and quality time with my girlfriends, when we do get together (Ya, I’ll see your one hour phone conversation and raise you a five hour kitchen chat…) I love deep conversations with people and do feel the therapeutic release of venting and affirming and catching up with friends; but then I also need hours and hours of alone time. I like silence a lot. I like discussing your divorce (“like” maybe not the correct word here, but you know what I mean) or your dating drama or your kids and work and all the weird shit in your life…but I also like alone time in my gym with music and nobody home.
I am often the planner amongst my friends and tend to be the one who does the “Hey, it’s been a few weeks, let’s plan something” friend. I also often make the mistake of doing this too much in one week and then dread the get togethers because I don’t want to have a two hour lunch with a beloved at noon and a phone conversation with another after dinner. (Although my boyfriend argues that I don’t actually hate this and that I could just as easily talk for three hours to each. He is not wrong, but I still get overwhelmed by it prior to and after the fact).
So anyway, If I haven’t planned something with you in a bit or offer you a slot between noon and 3 pm, two Wednesdays from now, or 1 pm on the second Sunday in February, it’s not you it’s me. I literally have limited availability with all this free time.
I’d better get into the gym; I have a lunch date at noon! It’s 9am and half the day is wasted!
Periscopecake 