Last night my dream was very heavily focused on finding a Nanaimo bar. I think there may have been other weird things like waiting for a bus with my son at a movie theater, but I mostly remember that I had to find a Nanaimo bar and woke up with that sounding like a good plan for the day.
This week has been another week in isolation (week 12? 29? who’s counting?) and I have been solo most of the time. I have had some moments of loneliness; not real sadness, but teetering on the edge of it. I sorted through my outrageous collection of cookbooks, so that was productive.
It is an interesting time in my life right now. My boyfriend is lovely and supportive but works out of town more time than he is home, and that is good and bad. On one hand, I love the solo time and it makes for a fun weekend when you are excited to see someone every Friday; and you get to really appreciate their presence. It does further the honeymoon stage of a relationship that is coming up on two years. But it is a lot more fun when I have a job, and places to be, and tasks more pressing than daily dishes, to occupy my time.
My roommate of two-plus years is moving out over the next month and has been basically living away for weeks now. This too is a conflicting feeling. She and I moved in together 27 months ago and it has been a beautiful experience. At the beginning, we were both in very hard and transitional times. She was leaving a relationship that was difficult to lose, but necessary to walk away from. I was leaving a 16 year marriage, living without my kids, and going through more heartache than I can explain or wish to recall.
We supported each other, we cried and laughed and shared. We have spent countless days and nights talking. Sometimes we have been unable to go to bed; for hours of conversation, and it is unimaginable to understand how there is ever anything else to talk about. We have become closer than family and have discussed topics so personal, I think she probably knows me better than my ex husband does, and he has known me for nearly 20 years and seen babies exit my body. We have not fought (mind you, we’re not really fighters; we’re talkers) and I have only brought up a couple of uncomfortable grievances, that she heard, and fixed, and that was that. We saw each other make stupid dating choices and asked each other hard questions. It has been everything and necessary and wonderful.
But now it does feel like time for it all to end. My boyfriend has lived with us for a year and they get along fantastically. She now has a boyfriend that has changed her trajectory (and seems to meet my standards for her). We have been domestic life partners during a time when we needed each other more than we ever would have known. We couldn’t be more different, in terms of personality, and somehow that may be the glue that held us. Perfect opposites and bosom buddies. (We often laugh at the similarities between her and my ex and joke that I can love her but I certainly wouldn’t want to be married to her!)
Over the past two-and-a-bit years, this new life has evolved into an interesting and unconventional way of being a family, I have gone from fragile and guilty; to grateful and forgiving. I have recognized that in this new normal, my kids have not necessarily lost as much as they have gained. Their parents are no longer together as a couple, and their primary residence no longer houses their mother, but they have gained relationships with new and different adults that role model in different ways.
They have seen their parents in new ways, and as people. My time with my kids is so much more intentional and close now. My daughter has seen the wonderful, honest and supportive relationships that can happen between women. And there is so much laughter! They have met a new a man who they really like and enjoy, and they see their mother happy and cared for, and get to have a new adult to care for them too; in a way that never feels like replacing their father, but adding to the richness of their life. That part has been a gift and a pleasure, and I honestly could not have imagined how well received any of them would be.
They get to see their parents get back to being the best of friends and truly loving each other; being able to recognize that they can be friends and loving but not want to be married to each other, or have to navigate their different personalities and shortcomings within the same household. The guilt I felt, not being able to live with them, has been replaced with the comfort of knowing that the way we’ve worked it has allowed them to not have to move, and to keep some normalcy while everything changed.
Sometimes I can’t believe how well adjusted and mature they have been about all that has shifted. Perhaps that is because they are older or perhaps it is just somehow part of their character, but it’s a relief. I mean sometimes I wish they seemed to miss me more! But then I see how special and amazing it is that they don’t (despite my ego). I don’t want them to be sad and feel some huge loss, I want them to feel secure and cared for and supported… (While they also recognize that mom ran a tighter ship and the house way cleaner before. Haha)
On weeks like these, where I happen to be mostly alone, and all the special-to-me people are otherwise engaged, I feel a relief and a transitional anxiety swirled up together. Waiting for a thing to happen. To get back to work. To see my kids. To live alone with my Sweetheart. To lose my wonderful roommate. To enjoy the peace and quiet of being alone. Longing to finally seeing my other girlfriends! All of the stuff! (and maybe too much time to think).
Oh wait, this was about wanting a Nanaimo bar…does Second Cup do mobile orders?
Periscopecake 