Periscopecake

It has been said that a wise man knows that he knows nothing at all, and I agree.  However, there are lessons learned and wisdom gained over the years one experiences life and these small glances into knowing something, are valuable.  I know a thing or two about a thing or two and figuring it out for 41 years has given me a few little insights into some matters, it makes me value my age and look forward to looking back and seeing my own naivety today, in the same way that I now see my 21 year old self.

Two years ago I made the choice to end a very long term relationship. I have faced new challenges and felt heartache like I never knew before.  I would never air dirty laundry or place unnecessary blame.  It takes two for a relationship to work; there are roles played and personalities that collide; there is never just one thing that makes something work, or not work.  And the fact of the matter is that I love him and will always love him, but for me, love isn’t the only part of making things work and in feeling fulfilled.

Over the past couple years I have had counseling and introspection and done more talking and thinking than is likely normal.  I have a number of very close girlfriends and  lots of different perspectives and examples around me.  I have had support that is unwavering, along with advice, heavy truths and harsh words.  It is not easy to hurt someone you care for.  It is not a flippant choice to uproot, unravel and change your own life, along with the lives of your most important people.  It took me many years and lots of thought to make a final choice and it was not without pain and grief; that of which still hits me in waves today. With that being said, I have come to learn a few things about relationships that I would most certainly tell my children and friends:

1. Ambiguity is a mold that rots a relationship from the inside out. If you have one foot always out the door, either step out or get back inside.  To quote good old Andy Dufresne “Get busy living or get busy dying”.  This was obviously not about relationships, but the same holds true; if you are not going to choose the relationship, it’s over.  You may not love it every single day, but you are in or you are out; keeping one hand on the doorknob is not actively participating in making the relationship work and it actually hurts your partner’s sense of security, trickling down into all sorts of problems.
2. People are who they are and no amount of nagging, begging or hoping will change that. People don’t change unless they want to change (and even then, it’s debatable) but most importantly, they shouldn’t have to!  If someone has to change to fit what you have in mind, then they are not what you have in mind.  You may not love every aspect of a person (people are flipping hard to live with!) but if their personality is really not meshing with yours, it’s okay, they will mesh with someone else, and they deserve to meet that person, not be with someone who wants to remold them….and guess what; so do you!
3. Work on your own shit! And likely a lot of your issues are your own shit.  Childhood issues, past traumas, personal behaviors, intolerance and idiosyncrasies; these are your own hair shirts.  Someone will not fix you or make you less insecure, or love the crazy out of you.  Until you face your own crap and look at the stupid stuff you do; the same issues will come up again and again.  We seek familiarity.  If you create drama; why?  If you always assume someone is cheating; why?  Someone can love you and help you with support and patience, but love won’t “fix” you.
4. You can only change yourself. This may sound similar to other points but it is more about the construction of a relationship or the renovations along the way.  As the years move on in a relationship there are going to be issues and moments of discontent.  In situations where compromise must be made (and there will be many) people have to work together.  Couples have to actually hear each other and actually respond in action or in voice.  Working to change and evolve yourself and a relationship can be done alone or together, but preferably together.  If one party tries to implement new tools, or process in a new way, and the other is stagnant or moving in another direction, the sound of one hand clapping may eventually become deafening.  That being said, it is always worth the work.  Finding better communication tools or working at being a better partner, or individual, is always for the best, and even if the other half of the relationship isn’t seemingly trying to match the effort, and the relationship ends, you will only be better for the next one.
5. A PARTNER meets you half way or makes your life better! This may sound unromantic or businessy but in the end, you can love someone and think they are amazing, and have great sex and like to have them on your arm, or all of the other variety of things that create a bond and make your heart flutter, but a relationship is a partnership that should take a load off your back, and should allow you to feel supported and bring joy to your life, not increase responsibility and burden.  That can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different people; for me that may mean shared cooking and cleaning.  For you that may mean they make the money, you take care of the house.  Or they do laundry and the lawn and you plan all the vacations.  If coming home to dinner on the table is important to one person and never having to make the bed or wash dishes is important to another; figure that out! Be a partner and take care of each other in ways that ease life burdens and show love and thoughtfulness through action.  The scale can’t always be totally balanced but it should never teeter more that it totters…or someone will feel resentful.
6. And speaking of resentful; you can love someone and let them go. You can love someone and appreciate them and thank them for all that they are to you, but realize that they are not your partner or your match.  And it’s okay.  They deserve to find someone who will think they are the yin to their yang…and so do you.  You can choose to walk away before resentment outweighs love.  You can honor someone else by honoring yourself.  Just as you should not want to be with someone who isn’t “all in” with you; the one you are with deserves to be with someone who is “all in”.
7. And finally, nothing is permanent. As I would hope that one wouldn’t enter marriage, assuming it will fail; they also know that it could.  We truly do not know how long we have with a person.  We can hope its forever, we can plan for that.  But we don’t own a person or have any real choice in all of that many circumstances that could intervene.  We can just put in the work.  We can choose them and make the relationship a priority and that’s all we got.  Just as I now try to think about clothes I have/keep; “would I choose this today?” so too can we think about our jobs, living arrangements, and relationships.  “Would I choose this today?”  If the answer is not yes, then why are you choosing it today?  Obviously not in times of lulls and annoyance, but in the overall picture; if given the choice to start this relationship today, knowing what you know now, you would choose it?  And it is a choice.

These thoughts on relationships are simply my observations and opinions based on my own experience and personal development.  I am certain that some would disagree with every single one of them. I know that many will judge the idea of leaving a marriage and the ideas of commitment and family and all of the concepts of forever.  People have to choose what makes sense for them and decide what is best based on many reasons and possible outcomes, all of which are personal and heavy.

I do believe that people choose what is right for them based on a variety of circumstances and values, and none of my choices are any more right for you than your choices are right for me.  I hope that we all get to experience love in many forms and care for ourselves as well as others.  There is always another option and I know enough to know that I know nothing.  I am currently in love with a man I choose every day.  He feels like my partner and I don’t know if I get him for 4 years or 40, but I plan to use all of the lessons I’ve learned and insights I have earned, to be the best partner I can be.